I didn’t know that hair could ache,
Just how much snot a nose can make,
How badly belly-buttons burn,
But today I guess I get to learn!
Tag Archives: Poetry
The Lord Of The Rings
A while ago
There was a guy
Who dreamed of being
A fiery eye.
We don’t know why
He felt the need,
But we know that
He did succeed.
The problem with
Old fire-eye’s plot
Is that what he wanted
Others did not,
And so he hid
His power away
So after his death
He’d still be okay.
He put that power
In a magical ring
That got stolen by
A greedy king,
And that repeated
Several times
Through fire and snow
And temperate climes.
Then one day
Some fishing midgets
Found that ring
And asked “what ij it?”
One said “mine!”
The other said “no!”
And so the midgets
Came to blows.
The winning midget
Became a beast
Who hid in a cave
Eating Fancy Feast
Until more midgets
Came along,
Stole the ring,
And sang a song.
A few years later
There was peace
And the ring’s new owner’s
Male niece
Got the ring
As a birthday gift,
Met some elves,
And got a lift
To Rivendell
Where it was decided
Fire-eye’s ego
Had the land divided
And that the only
Thing to do
Was to break the ring
Of you-know-who.
The elves said that
The ring must be laid
In the Mordorian lava
In which it was made.
The dwarf said
“That’s a lot of work,”
Hit the ring with his axe
And looked like a jerk.
So midgets and co.
Went on a quest,
They got betrayed
And left the rest,
Wandered alone
To the volcano of doom
Where the trolls and orcs
Drummed “boom, boom, boom.”
While they did
The men, dwarves, and elves
Fought three hours of orc wars
All by themselves,
Had a romantic subplot
With the long-lost human heir
And the elven princess
With the CGI hair.
By now midgets passed fire-eye’s
Most fiery gazes
Then the ring-bearing midget
Had just one of his dazes,
Turned to his friend,
Said “No Sam! The ring’s mine,”
Then dumbass lost his finger
And it all turned out fine.
Filed under Poems
College Life (AKA the Sin Inn)
When you give a kid a scholarship
To live away from home
Where kids are doing naughty stuff
The “scholar” says “when in Rome!”
And thus begins the dorm life,
Debauchery, and boozing,
Where pipes are not for water
And beds are not for snoozing,
Where you can study english,
Philosophy, or anthropology
But still spend evenings studying
The opposite sex’s biology.
Mom and Daddy pay for this,
So you can unguiltily be bad
And get a job at Wendy’s
While not getting shot by Wendy’s Dad.
All this pleasure comes to you
For only a few hundred K of loans,
So send your applications now!
(That or just play on your phones).
Filed under Poems
And, Somewhere, A Naked Professor Sheds A Tear Over His Sushi And Immediately Regrets It…
If wishes were fishes
We’d eat way more trout,
If thoughts were diplomas
We’d have much more clout,
If logic were clothing
We’d mostly be nude,
But if teardrops were onions
We’d really be screwed.
Filed under Poems
High Noooooo Thank You!
He strode into town,
A wayfaring stranger,
His haunting black eyes
An invitation to danger.
The gun on his belt
Had been recently shot.
“Seems like a bit
“Too much trouble,” I thought.
So as he turned left
And hitched up his horse
I turned to the right
And continued that course
‘Til I got to the city
And started to grin
Knowing that was a Western
I wouldn’t be in.
Filed under Poems
I Tried To Write A Blues Song…
If the fact that night’s black
Somehow strikes you as racist,
If you’ve slacked off on the lotion
And your skin has a cray cyst,
If you drink green smoothies
And fly “coexist” kites
You may not have the blues
But you’ve sure got the whites.
When your three-year-old son
Tells you “Daddy, I’m gay”
And your instagram buddies
Say “Hashtag-OMG-yay!”
If you’re upset you don’t need
To fight for your rights
Then I’m sorry my friend
But you may have the whites.
If Samuel L. Jackson’s
Your “number one bro,”
You think its fine to say “moron”
But not to call someone “slow,”
If you think the dragon’s
Misunderstood by the knights
Then give your friends sunglasses
‘Cause you’ve got the whites.
But if you’ve got the whites
There’s no need to be sad.
It’s not your fault your existence
Makes everything bad.
One day we won’t judge people
Based on sex, race, or fat…
If only all the fat rich white males
Could understand that!
Live and Learn
Your face in my vision
With such precision,
A sight I’ll never forget;
How your eyes met mine
At 12:09…
The feeling’s not left me yet.
I realized two truths
That night in Duluth
As to your house we started walking:
The telescope seller was good,
I fall when hit by a block of wood,
And legally my actions could be called “stalking.”
Filed under Poems
Too Soon?
You’ll remember me
When you smell the sun
On the earth between your toes
In the forest we
Explored as kids,
Where the tree we planted grows.
You’ll remember me
When the bulldogs win,
When you wear my number 9
When you see two kids
Sitting in the stands
Though the lights no longer shine.
You’ll remember me
When you hear our song,
The one I chose to sing
When I kneeled down
And I gave my voice
‘Cause I couldn’t buy a ring.
You’ll remember me
When our children smile
And ask you for a snack,
As you trim their crust
And recall that day,
When our baby hugged you back.
You’ll remember me
When the house we built
Is serene in Autumn’s glow,
When the snow comes down
And its quiet like
It was eighteen years ago.
You’ll remember me
As our thin white hair
Falls on our Yahtzee game.
You’ll remember this
And so much more
If you’ll just tell me your name.
Filed under Poems
