Imagine for a moment
No one ever spoke again.
You think it would be scary…
Either that or very zen.
The real situation
Is somewhere between the two:
It’s just stomachs imitating
Horny whales saying “Howdy do!”
Tag Archives: Silly
Whole Milk
I poured myself a glass of milk,
White as clouds and soft as silk,
Then put powdered milk in the cup
And took a spoon and stirred it up,
Then I poured condensed milk in
And, with the spoon, gave it a spin.
It was at this point, to my dismay,
My buxom girlfriend ran away.
Filed under Poems
CNN, 1 AD
Almost two weeks have passed
Since the “King of the Jews”
Awoke from the dead after three days
And made international news.
After promising forgiveness
Of all humans and departing,
Mumblings of discontent
From sinners have been starting.
“I wanted to retire
“Somewhere warm,” one sinner said,
“But now I have to worry
“About grace and s**t instead.”
“I’m pissed about redemption,”
Another man commented.
“What about my right to be
“Eternally tormented?”
In fact it seems that since the day
That Jesus pulled a “Nope”
And ascended into Heaven
To give the humans hope
Everyone’s been angry.
“I’m upset,” one human mused.
Tomorrow: “Why all the good men suck”
Right here on Nightly News.
This post was sponsored in part by Serpent Apple Company. Just one bite can change your life!
Filed under Poems
It’s All Short And Bald… And It Has Gills
I’ve decided to stop drinking water.
It’s controversial, of course,
But I made up my mind when I saw what comes
From adding “sea” to a horse.
Filed under Poems
When You Really Want To Do An Epic Rhyme But The Setup Is Bananas
There was a grammarian from Crimea
Who had a friend, Timmy Nadia.
Timmy N said “Gimme an
“Crimean simian”
And the grammarian said, “It’s ‘give me a.'”
Filed under Poems
I’m Not One Of The Sheep… I’m Just The Pasture
You know those tests they give you
That tell your dream career?
There’s been an innovation
In those tests, or so I hear.
They’ve found 80 percent or more
Of testers’ perfect jobs
Are members of unthinking
And mostly peaceful violent mobs.
I didn’t think about it much
When first I heard the news,
But when I took the test myself
I had to change my views.
I scored, not as a rioter,
But a guy who owns a store
That sells lightweight TVs and food
In downtown Baltimore.
Filed under Poems
Please Examine This Excel Graph And Identify The Precise Moment I Did Not Get Laid
I met a beauty in the lab
And we talked of time and space
And before the time had finished
We were walking to my place.
Things were getting steamy
And as she turned off the light
I said “This is like water
“Exceeding 212 degrees Fahrenheit!”
Filed under Poems
You Get Equality! And You Get Equality! Everybody Gets Equality!
A growing social concern
That, to us, recently came
And affects the common person
Is Inequality of Fame.
Some folks are very famous
And some people are not
And it’s patently unfair
And it ain’t how it ought.
I suggest a policy
Wherein all people must
Create a social profile
With a media giant we trust
And exactly one trillion people
And never more or less
Must follow every profile
So society won’t regress.
If everybody’s famous
We’ll have perfect mental health.
Then maybe a trillion dollar minimum wage
Can do the same for wealth!
Update: It’s come to this poet’s attention that white, heterosexual, natal-males still exist, so this probably won’t happen for a while.
Filed under Poems
Just A Tip: Wait ‘Til All Is Revealed
Ladies: I am five-foot-two,
Bald, and overweight
With a salary four figures long
And a commemorative bowling plate.
Now sure, I know you’re thinking
“Does he know how bad that sounds?”
Well… if they circumcised me
I would lose 100 pounds…
Filed under Poems
Realistic Aspirations
There are a lot of things
That you will never be:
You’ll never be an airplane
Or a cup of Earl Grey tea.
You’ll never be a unicorn
Or a tube of chili paste
Or a fan of Hip-Hop music
Who has impeccable taste.
You’ll never be a lantern
Or a humble guy from Yale,
But thanks to human effort
You may just become a whale.
The Daily Travesty 