If you ever give me a puppy
I want you to name it “Trollop”
So I can shout “Trollop”
At the top of my lungs in the park
And not go to prison.
Tag Archives: Silly
“The Lousy Microwave” (Because I Spent All My Time On The Poem Instead Of The Title Today)
I have a lousy microwave.
It’s very very slow.
It take about two minutes
To melt a ball of snow.
If you want to boil water
A half an hour should do
And if you ever cook some soup
Go watch a film or two.
Your vegetables will not be steamed.
Your corn will not be popped.
The minute that you start it
It has already stopped.
It’s starting to annoy me
And get under my skin
And now I’ll either throw it out
Or try to plug it in.
Filed under Poems
There Is No Hidden Meaning. You’re Welcome.
I met an Indian guy on Tinder,
A philosopher named Deepinder.
I couldn’t understand most of what he said
So he said “Date my brother Shallowinder instead.”
Filed under Poems
The Making Of Shrek 3 (‘Cause 1 and 2 Are Genius)
There once was a movie
That featured a fart
And, in children, it inspired laughter.
And so it was decreed
That fart jokes were a need
In all movies for children thereafter.
Filed under Poems
…Until The Courtyard In Question Turns Thirty, The Biological Clock Kicks In, And It Settles For The Secure-But-Unexciting Wall
I was a brick wall. So secure
There was nothing I could not endure,
Yet, while I’m safe in a fire
She wanted barbed wire
‘Cause “Barbed Wire is hotter for sure.”
Filed under Poems
The Second-Greatest Invention Of All Time Was A Cutting Device
The greatest invention of all time
Was the invention of paper
Not because it simplified written language
Or made knowledge portable,
But because it drastically reduced the number of ties
In the popular game of “Rock.”
Filed under Poems
Obligatory Thanksgiving Poem
Today’s the day we give our thanks
To those who made the lending banks
Who’ll help us spend the day to come
By buying stuff until we’re numb.
We’ll also eat some spuds and birds
As we exchange our thankful words,
Then look outside and see the sweet
Bright lights of Christmas across the street.
Filed under Poems
But Please Don’t
If I were a flamingo, um…
You wouldn’t be reading this poem.
If I were a beaver
You wouldn’t be reading it either.
If I were a yak
You’d have the last 10 seconds back.
But alas I am a human
So if you want to sue me, you can.
Filed under Poems
No One Has Ever Made This Joke Bef…
Even though I can’t
Count syllables properly
I can still write hai…
Filed under Poems
She Likes Funny Men
She asked “You know what makes me smile?”
I said “Muscles in your face.”
She hasn’t smiled for a while
And says she Needs some space…”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 