If you’re brazen as a basilisk,
Audacious as a drake,
Cocky as a colossus,
Saucy as a snake,
If a wyvern wouldn’t scare you
And a wyrm won’t give you palsy
Then my compliments to you dear friend
‘Cause you are this.
Tag Archives: Silly
Seeing Me For Me
To have a snazzy nickname
Like Ultra, Swabs, or Fish:
That was my desire,
My one and only wish
‘Til today I walked down broadway
And someone yelled “hey, herpes guy!”
Somehow I’m not happy
Though my wish is satisfied…
Filed under Poems
You’re Probably Just Racist
Why do people always think
That I’m a creepy guy
Just ’cause I eat other humans?
Oh why, oh why, oh why?
Why can’t they come to love me
As a human, not a specter?
Heck, they made a TV show
All about Hannibal Lecter!
Why can I not find true love?
Why are all hearts filled with doubt?
I thought that lots of people
Liked to be romantically eaten out!
I’m entirely worthy of your trust
From my toes to my chin’s cleft!
And don’t mind the BBQ sauce shower…
It’s just something the old owners left.
Filed under Poems
Martyrdumb: Saint Drogo’s Story?
Somewhere someone is dying,
Nobly becoming a martyr.
Somewhere someone is getting
Less than what for they did barter.
Somewhere someone deemed saintworthy
As “Patron of Muffin Tops” is anointed.
But here I’m alive and unrecognized
And somehow I’m not disappointed.
Filed under Poems
My Ex, Why Z?
She’s a glass doll made of plastic,
A silent symphony,
A baby butterfly
But not a caterpillar, see.
She’s the sense of satisfaction
Men don’t get from buying shoes.
She’s a pomegranate seed,
But just the part without the juice.
She’s nonfat butter ice cream.
She’s that feeling of “just woke up.”
She’s everything and nothing
Which is probably why we broke up.
Filed under Poems
I Like The Tender Types
I flipped a coin. It landed heads.
I flipped again. It landed tails.
One or the other every time-
It is a trick that never fails.
I asked eight girls “wanna do it?”
Four of the girls thought it was funny
The others got a guy to dent my skull.
This is why people are attracted to money.
Filed under Poems
Why I’m Waiting To Write That Essay
Mighty is the sword
And mighty is the pen:
If both of these are true
It’s safe to conclude then
The mightiest tool of all
Is the one and only Swordpen.
It writes with the blood
Of those it slays.
It’s Swordpenned many novels
And poems and plays.
It’s the only writing implement
With a crossguard I know.
It’s good with the ladies.
It’s middle name is “Bro.”
I wish I had a Swordpen.
It would be a cool thing to own.
Alas, the only swordpen
Is stuck in a Pencilstone.
Filed under Poems
If You’re Really Curious About The Consequences Though…
Never chew your eyebrows off.
“Why would I?” You surely scoff.
“And also how?” You’ll likely say.
If you so choose you’ll find a way.
Thus my warning: Please don’t try.
For this you’re welcome. Now good bye!
Filed under Poems
Employment Is Overrated
It’s late
And I’m tired.
That’s what happens
When you get hired.
Filed under Poems
…And That Proves My Toughness (Or Something)
My Uncle was a pussy.
My Grandpa was a wimp.
My Father was a chicken
And my Brother is a shrimp.
My Cousins are all cowards
And my Nephews are namby-pamby
Just ’cause I’m the guy
Who shot the mom of Bambi.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 