One of the problems with globalism
Is that some Scandinavian guy named Anders
Is going to meet a muslim guy named Salaam
And a third party will greet them both
By shouting “Salaam, Anders!”
And some guy terrified of reptiles
Will sue for emotional damages.
Filed under Poems
Tonight I stayed home to guarantee
I could sign up for an event at 6:00 PM.
I spent most of the afternoon watching TV,
Specifically the Seahawks get their ass handed to them.
I was also playing video games
And burning wood to keep my house hot.
I had an awesome time doing everything but
Did I sign up for the event? No I did not.
I spent an evening by myself
Eating cookies and shouting “Dude!”
At the TV, so although I’m a dumby
My man card’s 1,000-percent renewed!
Filed under Poems
I think people would be happier
If once a day, for free,
They could take an eighteen-wheeler
Packed with TNT
And have a robot drive it
Into their neighbor’s chrysanthemum
But that’s very illegal
‘Cause the government is dumb.
Filed under Poems
I think that absolute proof
That a time machine exists
Is the fact that someone went back in time
And found a T-Rex
And said “Aww yeah… T-Rex….”
And then got eaten
And nobody has time traveled since.
Filed under Poems
If a tree falls in the forest
And no one’s around to see
Will the Packers still pass on receivers
In 2023?
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck wouldn’t chuck…
Perhaps he even couldn’t chuck…
Since Russell Woodchuck still sucks. Good.
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Legend speaks of manticores
With the heads of a lion, an eagle, and goat.
Normally you’d be scared of the lion head
But that’s ‘cause the eagles don’t gloat.
Filed under Poems
There once was a five paragraph essay
That had one compelling thing to say
Then repeated that message
Twice, then thrice for to stressage
That there once was a five paragraph essay.
Filed under Poems
My man bought a Tesla
Which would normally be fun
But it came with a purse
And his hair’s now a bun.
I told him I liked him
Because he was manly.
Now he’s leaving me
For his old roommate, Stanley.
Filed under Poems
I think it would be fun
If they made a new Jumanji movie
But it was a free-to-play mobile Jumanji
And they spent all five hours of the movie
Grinding for Jumanjewels
Before they gave up and decided
The old, murdery Jumanji
Wasn’t that bad after all…
Filed under Poems
There once was a Chihuahua from next door
That barked, whined, and then barked more.
Eventually he died
And nobody cried.
In other news, now I’m a carnivore.
Filed under Poems
I went to a gathering of people
Who like to drink and drive,
Pull quickly into traffic…
On recklessness they thrive.
They’re the reason we have accidents
And I almost forgot to mention
That there were lots of nerds there.
It was a start wreck convention!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 