I’m my softball league’s head chef;
For optimal nutrition
I like to make a Bundt cake
To get guys in a scoring position.
Tag Archives: Travesty
My Dating Algorithm (1-10)
To find a man’s value
Divide his income by 10,000
Then subtract two to compensate.
To find a woman’s value
Call her a ten
(If she has a penis, call her an eight).
Filed under Poems
Next Week: Child Puts “Mean People Suck” Bumper Sticker On Car, Wins Nobel Prize For Literature
It’s nice to know
In this day and age
Time Magazine will
Give you the front page
And give you the title
“Person of the year”
For being perturbed
Where rich people can hear.
Filed under Poems
Watch Yourself
Please keep the word mum
‘Cause I did something dumb:
I ordered a clock.
Now at my door, a knock!
I fear my time has come…
Filed under Poems
Search Engine Optimization
If you need to find info
Page 1 of Google’s where to go.
If you need to hide a thing
I’d suggest page 1 of Bing.
Filed under Poems
The English Language Is Biased Against Non-Diurnal Happenstances, And I Won’t Stand For It!
For things in the past people will say
“Things in the past happened yesterday.”
But what I think just isn’t right
Is why we don’t say “Yesternight.”
Filed under Poems
The Problem With Seeing Eye Dogs
My puppy seemed a little lax
So I whipped out his leash and snacks
And hooked him up and took a run
Down past Forever 21.
The air was crisp with breaking dawn.
We passed some neighbors looking on
And heads came out of every door
To see my puppy, lax no more.
We passed the diner and laundromat.
We passed gas stations (and giggled at that).
We jogged the park and strolled the street
To get my pup to pickup his feet.
I took my puppy for a walk
Around and round a city block
And all the while people said
“You’re sick, you freak! Your dog is dead!”
But we got home all safe and sound
And I unleashed my weary hound
And scratched good boy behind his ears
And then he napped for 15 years.
Filed under Poems
Bikinis
One thing I don’t understand:
Why men who stare are loathed.
If a woman is ninety-percent naked
Men just look at what is clothed!
Filed under Poems
But How Many Decimal Places?
I once knew a shepherd named Sadie
Whose business was just a touch shady.
She had 79 sheep
When she went to sleep
Then she rounded them up and had 80.
Filed under Poems
What A Glorious Evening!
This poem is late.
I am breeding Pokemon.
I have no girlfriend.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 