If you ever feel like a failure
Know that someone made a living
From that video of Grandpa
Getting drunk that one Thanksgiving
But your video of falling
Off a bridge ain’t got no views…
So yeah, you fail at failing,
But isn’t that good news?
Tag Archives: Travesty
Vineyard Aftermath (The Other Kind)
There’s a satisfying “thump”
As a bunch of grapes you dump
Into a yellow plastic bucket
On a sunny afternoon.
There’s a feeling of achievement
When you cause a grape bereavement
Because you tore it from its vineyard
And it will be grape juice soon.
There’s a warmth that lingers on
Your neck until the dawn:
It’s a sunburn you predicted
But did nothing to prevent.
One of these lasts longer,
Is visible, and is stronger
And I’ll think about it next time
Before to picking I consent.
Filed under Poems
Somewhere, A Lawyer Is Crying
If you never wear black clothes
And walk through parking lots at night
While making deep eye contact
With your cell phone, you just might
Never get to call your lawyer
And get ten-mil in compensation
For no reason other than
Having your legs lose all sensation.
Filed under Poems
What Makes An Artist Successful?
The important part of making art
May be your visible passion
Whether for painting, poetry,
Sculpture, dance, or fashion.
It may be skill, in motion or still,
Technique from masters past…
But I think it’s knowing a millionaire
Who needs tax write-offs fast!
Filed under Poems
I Can Add “Princess Coach” To My Resumé Now
One of the benefits of being a poet
Is apparently you qualify
To go to a local high school
And coach (read “attempt to mollify”)
Some local pageant princesses
Who have to learn a speech
Because if you know English
You do not do; You teach!
Filed under Poems
Four Years Is A Long Time To Not Be Held Accountable
If we held an election
Every 3 months, I’ve found
That three months before each election
The price of gas would go down,
Mortgage and interest rates lower,
Groceries cost less to buy,
And if your candidate loses
You only suffer three months of “that guy.”
Filed under Poems
What Turning 30 Feels Like
I awoke with crack and a groan
In a house where I live on my own.
I ate soup from a can
‘Cause I’m an old man
And I still use a rotary phone.
Filed under Poems
How To Become Student Body President In 2024
The homework problem said:
“What is the natural log of 4?”
I said “I was raised a middle-class kid, and I’m the only person on the debate stage tonight who has a plan to lift up the middle class and working people of America.”
Apparently, I got a perfect score.
Filed under Poems
Of All The Laws That Could Backfire Magnificently, THAT’S Where You Draw The Line?
So memes are illegal in California
And guns are illegal in cities
And being illegal is totally legal
And we still haven’t freed the titties?
Filed under Poems
It’s A Stalemate, By The Way. You’re Welcome
Oh muse, you flighty angel
Who fills my mind with light,
Why can’t you come when I’m working
And not the middle of the night,
For when I lay my head upon
My pillow, soft and dark,
I do not want to think about
Who would win: A truck or a shark.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 