I’m 8 “Likes” away from 21,000
In the history of my blog.
My heart is very excited
And my soul is like a dog.
If 8 more people like my crap
I’ll finally achieve my goal
Of getting as many likes as a girl
Who posts dancing pics with a pole.
Tag Archives: True Story
That’s Almost As Many “Likes” As Teenagers Can Say In One Minute Without Even Trying
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
This Poem Will Be Featured Tonight On CNN
In the future we will have peace
Just so long as we silence everyone
Who says we’re like Nazis
Because Nazis lost
And losing is for people who work
And have independent thought.
Also, Jews hurt the economy.
Filed under Poems
Baby Fat
They made a bigger, safer playground
For the children at the school
And the big kids and the babies
Both agree it’s pretty cool,
And the makers cash their checks
For saving kids from pain
And the parents who know better
See the baby fat remain.
They made a kinder, gentler college
For the kids of yesteryear
Where thinking is discouraged
Because it sometimes causes fear
And the makers plan the lessons
And the students love their chains
And the thinkers keep their distance
And the baby fat remains.
They made predictable excitements
For the prisoners of money
And the watchers and the buyers
Say “That’s scary,” or “That’s funny,”
And the makers give themselves awards
For cutting with the grain
And the living have walked out
Because the baby fat remains.
They gave us safer deadly toxins
And harder automatic wins
And a tolerant sort of hatred
And more pleasant deadly sins.
The makers smile, their strategy
Entirely on track
Because the folks who have the baby fat
Are folks who don’t fight back.
Filed under Poems
The REAL Cause of Global Warming (and How to Fix It)
Before the internet was made
Antarctica was nice:
Just peaceful people chilling
On an endless sheet of ice.
But after wifi came along
Antarctica, once fine,
Fell immediately into
Inescapable decline
Because one lonely penguin
(Or perhaps a polar bear)
Signed on to ye olde internet
Just to see what’s there.
That was when the searcher
Received the first and fatal clue:
“Are you feeling lonely?
“Check out hot singles near you.”
Now I am not a penguin
(Nor am I a polar bear)
But whatever sorry animal saw
The advertisement there
Went looking for hot singles
Due to loneliness they felt,
Not thinking that the hotness
Just might cause the ice to melt.
Now we find Antarctica
Is little more than ocean
Because of one’s animal needs
(At least that is my notion).
So if we want the glaciers back
And want to stop tides rising
My must delete the internet
(At least that’s my surmising).
Filed under Poems
Tomato, Tomahtow
My sister called me self-disciplined.
I said, “I don’t know what you mean.”
She said, “You publish a poem EVERY DAY.”
I said, “That’s just low standards and a routine!”
Filed under Poems
Self-Portrait as Crappy Little Beach
It’s forty-seven Fahrenheit;
The sky and I are gray.
No one smart will sunbathe nude
On my poor sand today.
The waves are lapping loudly
Redefining what I am:
I’m a crappy little beach
In a town called Bellingham.
Observing me are humans,
Ages 3 to ninety-five
And a pair of lazy seagulls
Simply glad to be alive.
My face is made of footprints
Carved from mud and little feet
And a single tiny castle
Built in days when there was heat.
A single browning leaf still flies
Above the tiny moat,
Unnoticed by the passerby
Who try not to emote.
Beside me are some benches
With some names carved on their backs
Of love too poor or humble
To be featured on the plaques.
A lovely woman sits on me
With eyes locked on her phone,
Avoiding passing glances
Though she’s scared to be alone.
I’m here in every season
And I listen when you talk,
Supporting you in silence
As upon my back you walk.
I’ll be here with the sunset
And I’ll welcome you at dawn.
I’m a crappy little beach
Here until you’re long since gone.
Filed under Poems
When You Delete An Account And The Site Says “Bye! (The Way, We’re Going To Store Your Data Indefinitely And Sell It To China ‘Cause You’re Not A Customer Anymore And Also F*** You)”
I’m waiting on a support site,
Ninety-Seventh in the queue
To have an underpaid employee
Perform what one button should do.
As I sit and wait for death
A thought appears within my head:
Instead of helping customers
Just wait for them to leave instead!
In both cases numbers dwindle
And the most impatient flee.
After all, those seeking help
Will probably leave… Haha, heehee!
Then I realized I found
The truth of this nefarious plot.
If I post tomorrow, I’m safe
(But then again, maybe I’m not…)
Filed under Poems
The Edge of Seventeen
There’s a lake just off the freeway
That I went to with a girl
And we sat beside the water,
Feeding nature to a squirrel.
We made noises with our mouths
And made each other laugh,
Then we got someone to feed us
And we only paid for half.
We saw folks in real pain
Pretend to hurt in different ways
While on a screen and in the guise
Of whatever film’s the craze.
Then I drove backwards up a hill
To drop her off at almost nowhere.
I think about her every time
I see that lake, but never go there.
Such is love and such is life
For one who sees the sun at night,
Who, knowing how they hunger so,
Gladly lets the bedbugs bite.
Filed under Poems
Deuteronomy 23:2
Last night I read the Bible
‘Cause I was just that bored.
Apparently, “No one whose testicles have been crushed
Or whose penis has been cut off
May be admitted into the company of the Lord.”
So when you settle differences
With fists, and feet as well,
Just remember, a kick to the balls
Is literally a ticket to Hell!
Filed under Poems
Mixed Messages (AKA The Power of Marketing)
I read a few websites today
And thought I’d share a list
Of just a few quotations
That I now know exist.
The following will not be rhymed
Because they’re exact quotes;
The twist shall be revealed in time
So no need to take notes:
“We fight for clarity and truth telling. We fight for a world that we want our children to live in.”
“We also promote an aggressive search for and use of non-polluting and clean energy sources such as solar, wind, and clean fossil fuels.”
“We respect the right of homeowners and that no one should ever be forced from their home for the non payment of taxes.”
“We support all U.S. veterans. We should find those that are missing and take care of those who have come home.”
“We affirm our humanity, our contributions to this society, and our resilience in the face of deadly oppression.”
“We declare freedom is humanity’s highest ideal, and no cost is too great to ensure liberty and justice.”
“We disrupted business as usual and impacted the world. Thank you to our organizers, our supporters, and our allies.”
“We have fought like hell for our freedom and we will continue to fight like hell. Because we deserve more than we have been given. Because we deserve the healing and the transformation and most importantly we deserve to be free.”
So who are these idealists
Who write impassioned pleas
With hope that everyone will know
The world their author sees?
Some are from “Black Lives Matter.”
The rest are from the KKK.
One of them I just made up,
So happy research day!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 