Today I’m thankful for low standards,
Two-line poems, and also band nerds.
Tag Archives: Truth
Pussy On The Web?
True story: I work remotely
And at my meeting today
My cat jumped up onto my lap
And looked at me, then lay
Belly-up and legs upwards
To show the world his… that
So anyway, I texted my wife
To tell her about our porno cat.
But after a good laugh
At kitty’s lack of inhibition
I said something I shouldn’t have
While Alexa sat to listen:
I made a joke about “kitty porn”
But pronounced the T’s as “D”.
Please know that’s why I disappeared
If big brother comes for me.
Filed under Poems
My New Fitness Plan
Some people think that spending
Forty bucks a month or so
For exercising at a gym
Is just the way to go.
I think that cancelling the gym
Is the same as getting paid
Forty bucks a month to not
Work out. I’ve got it made!
Filed under Poems
Take That, Nukes!
One upside of weak, nerdy young people
Is that they’ll probably invent Mjolnir
But because they’re so weak, they can’t lift it
And thus we have nothing to fear.
Filed under Poems
Based On My Real Evening
I watched a movie on TV
About an animated queen.
It had more lotion ads
Than I’ve ever seen.
Also, insurance,
Restaurants, and cars…
Apparently peasants
Need moist skin to be stars?
And so as the princess
And sidekicks sang ballads
I dreamt good healthcare
And never-ending salads.
Then plot twist! Men are evil
And love cures all pain.
I’m grateful for friendship
Brought to you by Gain!
Filed under Poems
Realistic Goals
Tomorrow’s the day I’ll do everything
And be the best version of me.
I’ll accomplish my dreams and be happy
And authentically awesome to see.
I’ll shoot for the moon and I’ll hit it!
I’ll inspire the brave and the true!
But today I’ve reserved to be average
And embody “I’m fine, how are you”.
Filed under Poems
A Limerick About Mobile Games
There once was a Candy Crush knockoff
There twice was a Candy Crush knockoff
There thrice was a knockoff
Four times was a knockoff
Five times was a Candy Crush knockoff
Filed under Poems
Enough Is Enough
Why do we keep electing the people
Who think that it’s totally cool
To make a new law that requires a sign
That says “Wet Floor” and goes in the pool?
Filed under Poems
If You Yerd A Piñata, You’re Doing It Right
I am both a poet and nerd
And I learned a most interesting word:
It’s definition: “To beat
“An object with a stick.” Neat?
The word, as I learned it, is “Yerd”.
Filed under Poems
Cowabunga, Dreamers!
If you ever think your ideas are stupid
Just remember films about turtles
Who are pizza-loving teenage ninjas named after renaissance artists
Made 1.2 billion dollars. How’s that for clearing hurtles?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 