One day someone was looking
At a girl with diamond earrings
And thought “hey, those are pretty
“But why not use frisbees instead?”
Thus was the beginning
Of the now-frequent appearings
Of those with earlobes larger
Than the brains inside their heads.
Filed under Poems
Are you unhappy?
Perhaps you’re depressed?
You want to shoot up a school
Because you’re so stressed?
Don’t grab your assault gun
And make hunters sad.
Instead, grab some kale
And do something bad.
If a few more folk heroes
With defective prozac
Go out with a bang
Via kale attack
The liberals will ban it
And the world will shout “yay!”
To leave your legacy
That’s the very best way.
Filed under Poems
Some folks are really heavy
And some are very thin.
Some have different genitals
And different colored skin.
There’s lots of types of accents,
Many different colored hairs
But everybody’s equal
When you push ’em down the stairs.
Filed under Poems
She’s happier than Finland
And classier than France.
She wears a pair of ballet flats
But doesn’t like to dance.
She’s prettier than actresses
But doesn’t care for fame
And her love for me lasts longer
Than a perfect Tetris game.
She cooks better than Emeril
And sings better than Cher.
She thinks the latest Star Trek film
Was “adequate to fair.”
She’s quieter than silence
And daintier than mist.
The only problem I can see
Is she does not exist.
Filed under Poems
Nike pays their workers
About sixteen dollars a week for
Them to work 80 hours
Making a pricey brand-name sneaker
(That’s twenty cents an hour
For those with a math obsession)
But hey! They’re paying Kaepernick
To speak out against oppression.
Filed under Poems
I want to play rock-paper-scissors
Where scissors beats rock, ’cause then
Everyone would always choose scissors
And it would make the game more “zen.”
Filed under Poems
Once again I find myself
Besot by evening’s chill,
No longer in possession of
The time I had to kill.
My mind fixates upon the task
I’ve thus far left undone:
I swore I’d write a poem a day
And yet have written none.
Thus I lie upon my bed
Writing where I am now,
Stating the truth about my life
As syllables allow.
Now comes the peril of present-tense:
I write that I’m writing,
Now I reread the previous line
To see if it’s exciting.
I also find, where once I wrote
Six syllables then eight,
My meter has forsaken me
By virtue of it’s late.
Thus endeth my desperate foray
To create relevant verse.
To all reading I bid good night!
(Poetry is a curse).
I saw an advertisement
For a poetry group today
Inviting folks to “come and read
“A poem that stabs the heart,
Reveals a truth or sadness,
Or helps you shout hooray.”
I was not well received
By reading “Ode to a Fart.”
Filed under Poems
Ask any man “Would you marry?”
And the man will most-likely say “Sure.”
He’d wear a gold ring for the rest of his days
To announce his commitment to her.
Ask any girl “Would you marry?”
And she’ll smile and say “Yes” with glee.
“And he’d wear a gold ring for the rest of his days
“To announce his commitment to me!”
There are no untraveled roads
In human lives on Earth,
Just a single well-worn trail
You’ve traveled since your birth.
No choice you ever didn’t make
Can burden you with debts;
You’ve walked too well along your path
To suffer from regrets.
Every scrape and every scar
Through every dusty mile
Brought every hidden tear of joy
And every quiet smile.
So should a stumble in your past
Disturb your present mind,
Salvation’s on the trail ahead;
There is no trail behind.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 