95 Americans contracted the plague
From 2000 to 2017
12 of whom have died from it
(At least that we have seen).
It’s amazing that all these years later
The plague is here to stay,
And that it’s death toll is greater
Than all-time ticket sales of the WNBA.
Sources:
https://www.cdc.gov/plague/maps/index.html
(Unfortunately there is no significant data indicating the purchase of one or more tickets to a WNBA event)
Filed under Poems
When I see people eating kale
I find it kind of odd
‘Cause kale is to vegetables
As celery is to God.
Filed under Poems
If you’d rather win than be happy
And you’d rather be happy than right
You may be a dumb git
And you’ll feel like shit
But hey! You won that Facebook fight.
Filed under Poems
Yesterday I wrote two poems.
I feel like a dunce.
I meant one to be published tomorrow (today?)
But it got published at once.
Because of my mistake that day
You must hear me now annunc…
Iate. Yes, this poem is pointless
And every other line rhymes with “grunce.”
Filed under Poems
Science has concluded
That for most life on earth
The number of penises you have
Is inversely correlated with your odds of giving birth.
Filed under Poems
There are as many guns as people
In the USA.
There are more rounds of ammo
Than people in history.
Yet you think murder will stop
If guns go away.
Your method of thinking…
Now that is a mystery!
Filed under Poems
I drew a little stickman
Sitting in a tree
Holding a banana
And my friend said “Chimpanzee.”
I made the stickman hairier
And made his muscles big
And made his nose look stubby
And my friend said “Chimpanzee?”
I made stickman hold a lady
And stand on a skyscraper
And the light in my friend’s eyes turned on
And he said “Big chimpanzee.”
Then I pointed at the picture
And gestured for a while,
Drew the same picture again
And my friend began to smile
And as the sand fell from the timer
He sat up straight and tall
And said “That is Godzilla,”
So I threw him through a wall.
Filed under Poems
If there were a food
Whose taste was so divine
To eat it made you orgasm
In an instant forty times,
That not only set your loins alight
But set your heart afire,
A food so good it’s better than
Hearing Taylor Swift retire,
And that this oh-so-perfect food
Can be grown nearly for free,
Can be cooked in 19 seconds
And cures world hunger instantly,
Is the most positive thing in the universe,
Like -1 times the all-time worst
Your girlfriend would whine about it
If you suggested to eat it first.
Filed under Poems
My bedroom, how graceful
The comfort it brings me.
The light through the window
Shines down from above,
And in shadows dancing
On white walls beside me
I find solace in the silence,
Alone with my love.
I remember old friendships,
The names so long forgotten,
Imagine the knowing glances
From one yonder dove,
Then flick on my TV
And lean back among the shadows,
In comfort with my companion,
My bedroom, my love.
Now not ten feet beyond it
A house, warm and welcome, beckons.
It bids me to come explore it,
Partake of its food,
And deep in my spirit
The call echoes deep within me,
But I’d have to do some laundry
And I’m not in the mood,
So I recline ever gently
My blanket’s my body’s glove,
And spend more exotic moments
In the bedroom I love.
At 8:00 my phone’s alarm clock
Plays “Ih, What a Wonderful World.”
I listen intently
To Louis Armstrong’s voice.
I see skies of blue,
White clouds, dark and sacred nights,
And see also comfy pillows
And soon make my choice.
And though I’m unemployed now
And probably approaching my doom
These words they will write on my tomb:
“His bedroom he loved.”
Filed under Poems
