Two feet from where I’m sitting
There’s a mighty gale I hear.
I thought a bird hit my window,
But turns out it was a deer.
At the zoo a fish died (drowning)
And some penguins froze to death.
A politician stopped complaining
And turns out nothing rhymes with “death.”
I watched a Chris Rock movie
And not one person cussed
And in exactly fifteen minutes
I have to leave to catch the bus.
Filed under Poems
Whether getting or giving,
As long as you’re living,
No matter how epic the thrift
It will always be true…
(Just between me and you)
Life insurance is a bad birthday gift.
Filed under Poems
In a very distant city
In some un-noteworthy land
There stood a shabby little shack
Which housed the one all-knowing man.
The man was very happy
Because he knew how to be so,
Yet he had a common problem
And away it would not go.
The problem he experienced
Was, despite his knowing all
The people who surrounded him
Would never heed his call.
A wolf would eat a neighbor,
A child would lose its way;
To the second he’d predict these
Yet the man still had no say.
He knew of no solution
And, knowing all, he knew no hope
So he lived a life of nothing
As a shack-dwelling all-knowing dope.
Yet the answer to his problems
Had been with him all along.
‘Twas the one thing he could not accept…
That, maybe, he was wrong.
Filed under Poems
Once a year we celebrate
The gruesome and bizarre,
The stuff that gives clowns nightmares
And makes wolves hide under cars.
We make light of the horrific,
Let go the values we hold dear…
We call this celebration “tax day”
And it’ll come in half a year.
Filed under Poems
I respect dumbells.
They have a valuable job.
By lifting them up we grow stronger
Faster than eating corn on the cob.
I don’t respect bad drivers
And people from Northeastern states*.
I suggest we rename them “dumbells”
And call dumbells “single-hand weights.”
Filed under Poems
I wrote a poem about breaking up
Though I’m happily single.
I wrote a poem about parties
Though I seldom even mingle.
I wrote one about prison
Though I’m offended by “darn.”
I write one about dead soldiers
Though I’m home, both safe and warm.
Each one I halfway finished
Then deleted with a click
Because my life is so darn easy
I’d come off looking like a dick.
Sorry for the language.
I guess I got unhinged.
No more poetry for me
After a punk-rock Youtube binge!
Filed under Poems
I said “kinda farty,”
And mommy got mad.
That’s what her dinner tasted like.
Now I live alone with Dad.
Filed under Poems
Sitting on a bus
Waiting to go home.
I don’t feel creative at all.
The driver is gone.
If this moment were art
It’d be the plain red stripe on a hotel wall.
Dogs are pretty.
Pretties are not always dogs.
If you thought you’d be happy
With this poem’s conclusion
Reread the first two lines.
This world of ours has beauty
Hidden where you’d least expect.
There’s a chance for redemption
In every life that ends up wrecked.
In every gray face on the corner,
In every drop the clouds can cry,
There’s a way for you to heal
If you only choose to try.
So when the sun stops shining
Take comfort in the shade.
The beauty in the pink of dawn
Is equal to when day fades.
Eagles think they’re falling
When they first learn how to fly.
Love is all around us,
Not just in some beholders eye.
The world has many faces.
Close your eyes, the faces stay.
Whatever you think of the world
It doesn’t change its way.
Regardless of what you may believe
The truth is always true.
If you don’t believe in Heaven,
Heaven still believes in you.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 