The nurse said “I’m Aquarius!”
The lab tech said “I’m Virgo!”
I said “I’m a Cancer!”
The doctor said “I know.”
Category Archives: Poems
Coping
I’m reading a book recommended to me
By a woman whom I once adored.
I’m reading, avoiding inviting the world
For the world leaves me feeling ignored.
I make friends with a spider I’m terrified of
Who lives on my white bedroom wall;
I know he deserves life as much as I do
Even though he is creepy and small.
I’m wearing soft clothing, lying and waiting
And writing a poem in bed,
Remembering over and over forever
The words that I felt and I said.
I’m hearing the lawnmower, water through pipes,
The cars on the road passing by
Destined to be somewhere other than here
And I can’t help my wondering why.
Why is the grass not allowed to be growing?
Why must the spider bring fear?
Why do the people drive quickly to elsewhere
When they know they will end up back here?
Why do I care for an author’s opinion?
Why can’t I love people less?
All I can do is get up and keep smiling
And be me: a beautiful mess.
Filed under Poems
Oooh Yeah… Daddy Sauron Is Goblin Me Up…
I some some little known facts
About some popular things,
Like how in the very first draft
Of Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings”
Mount Doom was not a volcano
But instead a magnificent gorge
In which Sauron demanded
His orcs run a magical forge.
Luckily, one clever editor
Got to give his final say:
“I think the ‘quest to Orc-Chasm‘
“Could be said in a most awkward way.”
Filed under Poems
This Is (Insert B-List Celebrity Here) Reminding You That Good People Don’t Bomb Each Other
I’m sitting here in the airport
Listening to celebrities giving PSA’s
And I’m wondering which is more painful:
Selling out that much
Or that my taxes paid for them.
Filed under Poems
Today’s White House News
Today a man who made himself
And all his staff exempt
From being vaccinated
Most audaciously has dreamt
That those who didn’t get a shot
That doesn’t stop the spread
Are somehow the ones responsible
That twelve more folks are dead.
Filed under Poems
Women Will Change You
There once was a man named Beyoncé
Who wanted to have a fiancee
But the girls were all like
“Why’s your name not like ‘Mike?’”
Now he goes by his middle name: Chauncey.
Filed under Poems
“F*ck Your Freedom” -Howard Stern
Last year we learned about a cold
That you can’t tell if you’ve got
So the only logical thing to do
Is mandate a mystery shot
That does not stop the spreading
Or the catching of diseases
Because, after all, our liberty
Is whatever our overlord pleases.
Just because it caused a clot
That killed my uncle Stu
Doesn’t mean it isn’t something
Everyone must do!
So why not be a good little sheep
And get your Covid shot?
And if you do in the next 12 hours
We’ll give you some free pot!
Filed under Poems
Male Black Widow Problems
Today is Friday night.
I’m with my darling wife.
We’re gonna have some crazy sex
‘Cause I am done with life.
Filed under Poems
Okay Zoomer
In the future, little kids
Will visit their Grandma’s houses
And bring along 3D-printed candy
And all four of their spouses
And in between rounds of “Doom 35”
Grandma will tell the tale
Of how when she was a little boy
It was hip to say “epic fail.”
Filed under Poems
Just About Life
Just about everyone has asked “What’s the meaning of life.”
Just about everyone has learned the answer.
What got lost was that they weren’t asking the right question
And the right question is:
“Have I ever been unhappy?”
If you say “no,” then you apparently know the meaning of life already
But just about everyone says “Yes, I’ve been unhappy.”
And the right question continues:
“Have I ever been happy?”
And if you say “no” then you need to keep reading
But just about everyone says “Yes, I’ve been happy.”
And the right question continues:
“So what happened that made you change
“From being unhappy to being happy?”
There are many answers to this question
And just about all the answers are correct:
When you were born and became distinct from mother, you were unhappy
And when mother held you you were happy
And so the meaning of life is to be held and loved.
When you were scared and confused and lost, you were unhappy
And when you got comfort, knowledge, direction you were happy
And these too are the meaning of life.
When you were sad, you laughed.
When you were alone, you fell in love.
When you were hungry you ate.
When you were tired you slept.
When you couldn’t go on, you kept going.
Every single time you’ve been unhappy you did something joyful.
Every time you were hopeless you hoped one more time
And when you couldn’t, the universe gave you hope from outside yourself.
The meaning of life is about becoming happy
And if you’re happy you can’t become happy.
Life is the opposite of unhappiness
And so happiness is life.
If you are unhappy, you are alive,
If you are happy, you are living,
And when you make your final choice in this life, choose to be happy again
Because just about everyone can.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 