My teacher asks “What’s the square root of nine?”
I say the answer is three.
The girlfriend asks “What’s the value of X”
And I say “She means nothing to me!”
Category Archives: Poems
Weird Pets and the Poet That Jokes About Them
I found a pet I like to rub.
I brought it home and named it club.
Now folks aren’t sure how they should feel
After they learn my pet’s a seal.
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I wanted to buy a unique pet
Like a hedgehog from the store.
I asked how to tell the girls from the boys.
“The boys have one spike more.”
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The hunter said, “Look! A lesbian bear!
“Grab a rifle and go get her!”
I asked how to tell it’s a lesbian bear;
“They’ll eat snakes, but they like beavers better.”
Filed under Poems
The Rest Is How To Playjurize Wikipedia Without Getting Cot
Ten persent of school
Is lurning how to get along.
Forty-two persent
Is lurning that you spelled stuph rong.
Maybe five persent
Is how to fill your plate and cup.
The other eighty-five persent
Is how to add things up.
Filed under Poems
At Least JP Had Good Music…
A guy got an idea
To raise monsters from the dead
And show them to the public
Without approval from the Fed.
It all went wrong and people died;
Observers doffed their hats.
Is this the film Jurassic Park
Or behind the scenes of Cats?
Filed under Poems
Invertebrates and “Whatever You Want”ers Beware
Whether people treat you badly
Or whether they treat you fine
Is directly correlated
To your possession of a spine.
Filed under Poems
Which Is Worse: English Spelling or This Poem?
There once was a man from Saigon
Who needed to mow his lawn.
He saw someone wan
And asked “Genghis Khan?”
But it was just his neighbor, Sean.
Filed under Poems
Wealth is a Problem
I sleep on a bed of money
But still no one respects me
‘Cause I pay my bills with tiny beds
As my conscience directs me.
Filed under Poems
Happy Valentine’s Everyone!
Today I’m writing poems
To folks I’ve never met
Because the woman that I love
Has not existed yet.
Why I am alone tonight
I surely understand,
But no man can be lonely
When he has his own right hand.
Filed under Poems
Cowboy Boots
Somebody said: Let’s make a shoe
That doesn’t have to be tied,
That you can wear for a night on the town
Or when on a horse you ride
That’s made from an alligator’s flesh
And comes with loud, stabby heels,
Plus make it the only kind of shoe
For which there are no online deals!
Filed under Poems
Nursing Home Rhymes
I’ve got dandruff on my shins…
That’s not where it goes!
Know I need some Head and Shoulders
For between my knees and toes.
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To get 8 hours of sleep at night
I do whatever it takes,
By which I mean taking 10-minute naps
Between my bathroom breaks.
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Twinkle twinkle little star
Way above my little car,
Shining in my optic nerve
Making me violently swerve.
Twinkle twinkle little star
On the badge of officer Barr.
I sang him “YMCA.”
Why’d he take my license away?
Twinkle twinkle little star…
Crap, I left my teeth in the car!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 