If I were a turtle
I would be more fertile.
I’d have more girl turtles to court.
Also nothing but fertile
Rhymes well with turtle
And turtles don’t care if you’re short.
Category Archives: Poems
Still Want Super Powers?
Super strength at tea parties,
Super speed in bed,
Shoot lasers from your eyes
Whenever you say “I thee wed,”
Flight while on an airplane,
Access to Betamax knowledge,
Or being a straight white male
But only when applying to college.
Filed under Poems
This One’s For All The First Graders (And Middle Schoolers)
There are things I’ll never knew
‘Cause I’ll will not have eating glue
But since I eated it I confess
This poem’s grammars has not make sense.
Filed under Poems
#LookBothWays
I saw the golden headlights
Driving towards me in the rain.
I heard the tires squealing
And the brake lines shout of pain.
I smelled the burning rubber
And sensed the car careening
As I changed my Facebook status
So my life could have some meaning.
Toes
There aren’t very many
Who do not have any.
There’s a few who have fewer than ten.
But if you meet the ten-plussers
Who seem proud and aren’t fussers
They are almost certainly men.
Filed under Poems
Perhaps It’s Good Not To Remember Your Dreams
“Cyber chickens do not deserve Yolanda”
Was the first thought to pop into my head
When I sat down to write today’s poem
After exiting my way-too-comfy bed.
I don’t know the meaning of that musing
And likely it has no meaning at all
But if you are Yolanda do not settle
For a cyber chicken who isn’t on the ball.
Filed under Poems
So Basically Tide Pods, Right?
If you’ve always dreamed of fame
But the dream never came to fruition
I have a helpful tidbit
From yours truly’s intuition:
Drink a bunch of chemicals
Then pretend you have the flu
And with any luck some doctor
Will name a condition after you!
Filed under Poems
BTW I’m Not Jewish
She lay beside me
Still in her white dress.
My mouth was alight in her taste.
Her skin was like russet.
Her body was slender
From tip-to-tip, straight in the waist.
She was my fantasy,
Food on my table,
Sustaining me all through the day.
So although it is weird
To put a dress on bacon
I do it ’cause she is my bae.
Filed under Poems
Why Men Pray
When a woman tells you yes
She means it could be so
Unless she’s getting dressed…
Then it definitely means no.
And if a woman tells you no
It is a no, no questions asked
Except when she wants you to be bad
Or do what you have not been tasked.
But the scariest thing you’ll ever
Hear a woman say
Is when she smiles and seems alright
And tells you “I’m OK.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 