If I had a sweet purple pony
For every terrible poem I’ve written for you
I’d have no shortage of mystery meat
And the world would have no want for glue
Category Archives: Poems
When You Order Fruit From Third World Countries
Sweet little kiwi
I cut thin green slices of
Then they fly away
Filed under Poems
The Rhythm Of Universal Truth
No matter the size of our brains
Or the density of our bums
All humans are united in knowing
That buttocks can double as bongo drums.
Filed under Poems
The Benefits Of Not Being Tan
In a world without coyotes
And a scarcity of ginger ale
I’d take comfort in the notion
That my legs would still be pale.
Filed under Poems
First Graders Be Like…
Some like it hot.
Some like it cold.
Some people just learned how to change the font color.
And also make text bold.
Filed under Poems
Priorities
If you put your life on the line
To defend our nation
You get one day for
A long weekend vacation.
If you decide
“Everyone turns me on”
You get all of June
To be praised unto dawn.
But whether you’re mad
That the alphabet crew
Get a month, or that veterans
Kinda get screwed
What we must remember
With all we hold dear
Is that China gives bunnies
A whole freakin’ year!
Filed under Poems
Requires At Least 18 Years Of Continuous Experience In This Gender
We’ve finally reached the fated day
Where your date presents a resume
And you have to ask her in detail
About the gap in her experience as a female
Filed under Poems
Wisdom of the Elements
I roasted marshmallows on an open fire
And the poofed up soft and gold.
I roasted them over a vat of ice
And they sat unchanged. I’m told
That fire and ice are equals
And, while true, it must be said
That camping is better with fire than ice.
Now enlightened, go ye to bed.
Filed under Poems
When Rest Isn’t Restful
Thus the long weekend
Comes to a close.
We’ve done nothing for days
So why d’you suppose
We’re tired and cranky
And feeling frustration
And wanting time off
From our latest vacation?
Filed under Poems
French Geography, German Efficiency
There once was a limerick from Nice
That was astonishingly concise.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 