At my parents’ house
Played board games and shot a bear
Like a kid again
Tag Archives: America
Fro Yo, Before Black People Made That A Greeting/Hairstyle
Somebody once grabbed a cow by the teats
And sucked out the milk and called it good eats
But a little fermented and got full of germs
And people just couldn’t come to grips or terms
So they filled it with sugar and put fruit on the bottom
And sold it in little plastic cups, and folks bought ‘em.
Then someone froze it and, eyes all agleam,
Said “People should buy this instead of ice cream!”
Most of the world disagreed, but alas
White peoplee adored it and paid through the ass.
All over the country we now eat frozen yogurt
Like Iowans mow lawns, and Nevadans mow dirt.
Filed under Poems
She-Hulk, Attorney At Law
What if we made a TV show
For people who love manly heroes
That starred a green, feminist lawyer
And had a budget with multiple zeroes
Who lectures the characters we know and love
And faces no relevant threats?
Oh, and let’s call our core audience ‘bigots’
And see how many millions it nets!
Filed under Poems
Seriously… It’s On I-5 Exit 135. Now THAT Is Optimism
No matter how bad a day you had
You’re not as bad off as the guy
Who made an SOS out of rocks beneath the overpass
In case a savior might fly by.
Filed under Poems
Philosophy 101
Whatever you’ve heard, forget it!
Whatever you know, you don’t.
Everyone thinks they are brainy
But most of their brains grown’t.
Ignorance is epidemic.
No knowledge or sense can be common.
Now pay your tuition and fill out this form
And go back to your dorm and eat ramen.
Filed under Poems
Modern Conveniences
While I’m on the road
I shop for ammo online.
Times aren’t all that bad!
Filed under Poems
I’m A Mediocre Redneck, But I’m Enthusiastic About It
I places 3rd out of 4 teams
At the cornhole tournaments.
I scored 6 points in two games
And I’ve felt so manly since.
I also walked in a cardboard box
And fell on my cardboard face.
That’s a Wednesday afternoon
At my Summer place!
Filed under Poems
Two Jobs That Make Six Figures But Nobody Respects
I heard a job ad this afternoon:
“Need a change in career?
“Get a class A CDL
“And drive a big rig here.”
The company that advertised
Was “Johnson’s Gas and Lubricant Shipping”
And I figured it was close enough
To my current job of stripping…
After all, I already know
How to handle giant hardware,
How to move lube on the night shift,
And stopping traffic isn’t rare.
I load cargo in the backdoor
And handle massive logs
And I’ve known my share of pigs
(As well as cows and dogs).
I’ve made a living dancing
But now I just can’t wait
To sit all day upon my butt
‘Cause I know my butt is great!
Filed under Poems
Seriously, When Was The Last Time You Went To The Movies And Enjoyed It?
Someone in Hollywood decided
“What if instead of crappy flicks
“We badly remade everything people love
“And when they complain, say that they’re dicks?”
Everyone outside Hollywood
Disliked this judgement call,
But on the bright side, now people
See that books aren’t that bad after all.
Filed under Poems
Why I Love The 4th of July, Middle School Boy Edition
If not for British taxes
And the redcoats being weenies
We might not have these fireworks
And Stars-and-Stripes bikinis,
So I for one am grateful
For wigs and wasted tea
‘Cause now there’s baseball, big buffets,
And other big things that start with “B”.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 