Someone in Hollywood decided
“What if instead of crappy flicks
“We badly remade everything people love
“And when they complain, say that they’re dicks?”
Everyone outside Hollywood
Disliked this judgement call,
But on the bright side, now people
See that books aren’t that bad after all.
Filed under Poems
If not for British taxes
And the redcoats being weenies
We might not have these fireworks
And Stars-and-Stripes bikinis,
So I for one am grateful
For wigs and wasted tea
‘Cause now there’s baseball, big buffets,
And other big things that start with “B”.
Filed under Poems
First there was Vietnam
Then the second gulf war…
Now I’m curious how many years
The Amber Heard trial goes for.
Filed under Poems
There once was a five-year-old child
Who was happy, and ran somewhat wild.
This continued unabated
Because the child wasn’t medicated
And thus several lawsuits were filed.
Filed under Poems
“What comes up must come down”
My teacher told me with a frown,
But here’s a thing that I don’t get:
Why isn’t that true for government debt?
Filed under Poems
My nose was all sniffly;
‘Twas spring in the air.
Faster than you say “piffly”
My Kleenex weren’t there.
I went to the store
To pick up some tissue
But they had no more
And THAT was an issue.
So I grabbed my gun
And went off a raidin’
Until my nose’s run
Could be finished abatin’.
I knocked on a door
And they opened it. Fools!
I shrieked “Get on the floor!”
And I searched through their tools…
Screwdrivers, flashlight,
And nails to pound
But try as I might
There were no Kleenex found.
The cops were approaching
I could hear their siren
And I was encroaching
And expect they’d be firin’
So I took the out…
The only one I had:
I scrunched up my snout
And sniffed like my dad.
That day as the bullets
Riddled my body
I learned snot down the gullet
Is what cops think is naughty.
This family-friendly poem was inspired by my beautiful girlfriend and her nose. Blame her, not me.
Filed under Poems
I bought a ‘57 Chevy
(Or what’s left of it, at least)
And I fixed it up so I
Could be a sexy beast.
I cruised it up and down the block
To pick up saucy chicks.
Alas, my ‘57 Chevy
Doesn’t hide that I’m 86.
Filed under Poems
If everybody had a gun
The world would be a lot of fun
And if everyone died ‘cause I was wrong
No one would complain this poem ain’t long.
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There once was a democracy
Of half a billion, plus me.
The others said no,
But I said yes, so
You are my slaves. Hee hee hee.
Filed under Poems
There once was an actor named Will
Who was punished for slapping, until
He thought “I’ll never be arrested
“If they knew I molested
“And trafficked minors for capitol hill!”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 