There are some people named “she”
Who want, to a man’s heart, the key
So they wear a disguise
For their tits, hips, and eyes
To find men who will “love me for me.”
Tag Archives: Cynical
Yep, Still Single…
Cancer is better than feminists.
Of this I am convinced.
I know people who beat cancer
And haven’t heard from it since.
But fate is not so happy
For those who’ve contracted feminism
For between them and common sense
Is a nigh-incurable schism.
Cancer kills quickly and painfully.
Feminism’s mostly the same
Except it lacks social stigma
And casts a whole lot more blame.
Feminists ask for equality
While cancer makes all of us equal.
Cancer terminates us while feminism
Makes an all-female terminator sequel.
And if you find you’re a feminist
Whether long-term or out of the blue
You have to live with yourself. With cancer
That’s something you don’t have to do.
Filed under Poems
Home Alone
I stare blankly at the wall,
Fill my mind with off-white paint,
Then picture staring at your face
And feel thankful that I ain’t.
Filed under Poems
Thus Was Born A PhD
The problems with school are many
But the primary lamentation
Is that the methodology
Lacks invigorating implementation.
Instead of “teaching math”
We could promote symbolic logic.
Instead of “reading textbooks”
Let’s devour tomes-pedagogic.
Instead of “learning new words”
Let’s rejuvenate the vernacular.
It’s these zeitgeist-alterations
That would make school more spectacular.
Filed under Poems
Trigger Warning: This Poem Contains Thought Crime
You say I have privilege
Because I’m male and white.
You call me uninformed
Because I don’t think you’re right.
You can have my privilege too.
All you must do to try it
Is to move out of the cities
Where “recreation” means “to riot.”
You can disagree with me
While you drink another beer
Thanks to taxes paid by this poet
Making 4-figures a year.
Filed under Poems
The Analogy Is Actually Kinda Perfect
America is like Halo:
It started out with violence
And an independent spirit
Fighting an immortal empire
Who knew well that we’d fear it.
Then the beloved sequel came
And we gave up the slaves we stole,
Fought a battle on both sides
To forge our true united soul.
Then came history’s “Halo 3”
Which was forgettable all in all,
Clearly not its glorious peak
But it hadn’t hit the wall.
When the Vietnam years came
Thus started Halo 4
Where we spat on our own soldiers
Drafted into pointless war.
Now here we are in Halo 5
Where profit is the king,
Equality is an afterthought
And everything’s covered in bling.
We who love the franchise past,
The Halo 1’s and 2’s
Who love America in spirit
Not America in the news
Look hopefully at the future
While feeling kind of vexed
Wondering what the powers that be
Will inevitably screw up next.
Filed under Poems
She’s Lying…
Everything’s fine.
I won’t get mad.
I don’t care about your exes.
I’m almost ready.
I’ll call you right back.
I don’t mind you buying that Lexus.
I really don’t care.
I really don’t mind.
I really (insert anything here).
No, I’m not jealous
And if we get married
I’ll never make you watch Shakespeare.
Filed under Poems
Now I’m Going To Get A Bunch Of Calls And Texts From Concerned People Who Think I’m Depressed When, No, I’m Just Not Particularly Inspired And MyPrevious Poems Involved How Much I Hate Zucchini And Soccer So I Figured I’d Just Publish This One. (Also, Around The Time I Wrote “Poems” In This Title I Became Unable To See What I Was Typing Because My Phone’s Screen Is Too Small So Please Forgive Any Tupoes). Also, Is There A Limit To How Long A Title Can Be?
If I weren’t so cynical
I’d probably be equally sad,
Not because I’m cynical
But because the world’s just bad.
Flirting In Canada
I was a man
And she was not.
She hadn’t noticed me
But I thought she was hot.
I approached her politely
And told her “I’m Dan.”
She was, in hindsight, not pleased
So I got two years in the can.
I remember when men
Were not seen as a foe,
But not anymore
Thanks to Justin Trudeau.
Filed under Poems
One More Time (Anatomy Of Pop)
I met you, romantic prospect,
At a facility frequented by listeners of this genre.
It was unrealistically perfect
To look upon ya.
Then I sang about nothing!
Then I sang the same nothing!
Then the same nothing again
One more time!
I mentioned your physical appearance
But also a personal detail
To convince listeners of this genre
That you, romantic prospect, are real.
Then I sang about nothing!
Then the exact same nothing!
Then a slightly lengthened version of the same nothing
(With backup singers)
One more time!
Then I sang again about nothing!
(Because choruses, yo)
Then again about nothing!
(Because choruses bro)
One more time about nothing!
(Yay radio…)
One more time!
Fade and repeat ad infinitum…
The Daily Travesty 