Delta is an airline,
Or at least it claims to be.
It will get from A to B
Though via C and D.
Most planes will leave the gate on time
Though few will fly away.
From now on I’ll fly United
Where they acknowledge everything’s not okay.
Tag Archives: Cynical
Why Men Pray
When a woman tells you yes
She means it could be so
Unless she’s getting dressed…
Then it definitely means no.
And if a woman tells you no
It is a no, no questions asked
Except when she wants you to be bad
Or do what you have not been tasked.
But the scariest thing you’ll ever
Hear a woman say
Is when she smiles and seems alright
And tells you “I’m OK.”
Filed under Poems
Social Norms: A Disney Musical (Yes, This Is Irony)
Keep it in, keep it in.
Just keep it bottled up
And let no petty feelings
Fall in your proverbial cup.
Don’t be tempted by expression
And ignore that will to live
‘Cause money’s what you want
And money’s all we have to give.
So keep it in, keep it in.
Keep it tucked away inside.
Joyful outbursts and sad moments
Neither one should you abide.
All those swirly bits of feeling
That bounce around your head
Are horrors from the outside world.
Just watch TV instead!
Keep it in, keep it in
Because peace takes too much work
And if you are emotional
People might think you’re a jerk,
So take a swig, a puff, a pill,
A needle in your vein
So you can keep it in some more
And stop feeling the pain.
My (So Far) Unpublished Picture Book
Bobby was an antelope
That lived out on the plains.
He had a happy smile
To conceal his inner pains
‘Cause though he was an antelope
What Bobby always sought
Was to turn into a camel.
Eventually that’s what he got.
Bobby’s story is inspiring
A lot like Forrest Gump.
He was a horny animal
Who just wanted a hump.
He had a little surgery
And moved to the Sahara.
To his family he said “bye”
And, to his troubles, “sayonara.”
But it turns out as a camel
Bobby suffered from great thirst.
Before he made his change
He should have thought about it first!
So Bobby died alone
Among the cacti and the sand.
He got exactly what he wanted
But it wasn’t what he’d planned.
Bobby didn’t go to heaven,
Nor to limbo or to hell
Because there is no afterlife
For our heroic trans-camel.
So if you really want something
A little or a lot
Use Bobby’s tale of woe
To eliminate that thought!
🐮🐪😁🌵☠️💡💔
Filed under Poems
Thanks State-Funded Early Childhood Education!
I read my child the story
Of a little red poultry whom
I respect, thus its female genitalia
Did not cause me its gender to assume.
My child looked up and said “Parent,
“I like when you do funny voices
“But why can’t we read about princesses
“Then make our own damn political choices?”
Filed under Poems
Impression: Los Angeles
I stood out here once before
Seeking what could not be found
Head to toe in the neon cloak of midnight
Listening for the absence of a sound.
I saw humans crawl past empty sidewalks
Burning gas and paying fares
On the way to work that will empower them
To buy their surplus worries and cares.
They seek comfort in a glasses, pills, and needles,
Pray for hope through a politician’s lies.
Paychecks promise them the satisfaction
Of being happy in someone else’s eyes.
Red-eye pilots flee this urban heaven
Carrying those with sense enough to flee.
I just read my scripts and idly wonder
What it’s like to see a real tree.
Filed under Poems
It’s A Matter Of Efficiency, Really
Today is Easter, as you know.
It’s also April Fool’s Day.
I think those go together
As they celebrate the way
That Jesus was all dead and stuff
And then suddenly he wasn’t.
The two holidays make sense to me
Because the whole “not dead” thing doesn’t.
What also doesn’t make much sense
Is a question of this kind:
It’s that God sacrificed himself
To appease himself I mind.
Not only that, but if it’s true
That Jesus isn’t dead
Then why not find another way
To cure one’s Godly head?
It seems if you’re omnipotent
You could just say “hey folks,
“Get your shit together”
Instead of the “oops, not dead yet” jokes.
But I am just a human
And can’t be my own son
So I’ll just eat my chocolate eggs
And let His will be done.
Filed under Poems
They Probably Met Online
Sharp and cold’s the flashing rain
Upon my black umbrella
Which I relinquish happily
Unto my new love, Stella.
Now her springtime golden tress
Is dry as my nervous mouth
For my journey takes me northward
While she vacantly looks south.
I stammer “what’s your number?”
As an adolescent might,
And I’ll never forget her eyes,
Dark blue just like the night.
“First you give me this thing,”
She says towards my umbrella,
“Then follow me for blocks
“Like I’m some sort of Cinderella?
“I won’t give you my number
“And I beg you, leave me be!”
Then she closed my umbrella
And thrust it into me.
And in that painful moment,
Twice breathless made am I
For my heart says “Dude, she saw you!”
Though my gut tells me to cry.
Thus as my tears join eagerly
The gutter’s growing moat
I wish her path be free of puddles
For I cannot lay down my coat.
Filed under Poems
He’s Only Unqualified Because Privilege!
Marvel should create someone
Whose a hero with no powers,
Like a non-billionaire Batman
In front of whom no villain cowers.
He should be short and poor and whiny,
Cry a lot and be a victim
And whenever he’s out heroing
The Avengers ask “who picked ‘im?”
He displays no special qualities,
Lacks gadgets, brains, and strength
Which is why those who are like him
Need representation. At any length…
I think the point I’m making
Is while, sure, “Super” is great
We need an Affirmative Action Hero!
(Now your hate mail I await)
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 