I saw a survey at a shop
That made me pause, then fully stop.
It asked “What flavor would you want
“To drink here in our restaurant?”
I think they wanted “Pumpkin spice”,
“Caramel pecan”, or something nice.
I wrote “The blood of politicians
“Collected via millions of small incisions.”
Filed under Poems
There once was a bear with a shirt
Whose heart filled with blackness and hurt.
He had no friends or money
So he ate all the honey
And the end of the world did avert.
Filed under Poems
Some friends and I were mucking about
The attic when we found
And old top hat with a label that
Said “This makes men dance around.”
So we rolled some snowballs up
And made a face of carrot and coal
And we plopped that cap on the snowy chap
And pretended he had a soul.
Alas, for us, the sun was hot
And dancers tend to sweat
So when the day had gone away
That magic hat was wet,
So we hung it by the fire
Atop Grandpa’s antique poker…
So yes officer, that’s what did this to her.
‘Twas Frosty’s spirit that done broke ‘er!
Filed under Poems
Some folks like chocolate ice creams,
Some folks prefer vanillas,
And some folks don’t like ice creams at all
Because they’re serial killas.
Filed under Poems
There is one green light bulb
From an old Christmas tree
In the upper-left-hand plastic ring
Of the thingy that holds together
A six-pack of generic-brand cola,
Reclining in an Ohio landfill,
Never again to be lit
Or decorate a house
Or hold public office,
But the bulb is happy
Because it will outlast the family
Who chucked it in a hefty bag
And forgot all about it.
The bulb remembers.
The bulb is patient.
The bulb is all out of mercy…
Filed under Poems
Sharp and cold’s the flashing rain
Upon my black umbrella
Which I relinquish happily
Unto my new love, Stella.
Now her springtime golden tress
Is dry as my nervous mouth
For my journey takes me northward
While she vacantly looks south.
I stammer “what’s your number?”
As an adolescent might,
And I’ll never forget her eyes,
Dark blue just like the night.
“First you give me this thing,”
She says towards my umbrella,
“Then follow me for blocks
“Like I’m some sort of Cinderella?
“I won’t give you my number
“And I beg you, leave me be!”
Then she closed my umbrella
And thrust it into me.
And in that painful moment,
Twice breathless made am I
For my heart says “Dude, she saw you!”
Though my gut tells me to cry.
Thus as my tears join eagerly
The gutter’s growing moat
I wish her path be free of puddles
For I cannot lay down my coat.
Filed under Poems
‘Twas deep in the evening,
Way the heck into night.
Unlit things were dark
And dark things weren’t light.
It was nothing like morning,
Like super late afternoon,
And she’s talked like this all evening
And I hope this date ends soon.
Filed under Poems
Just don’t watch your children
When you take them to the zoo.
If it worked for Harambe
It’ll probably work for you.
Filed under Poems
If I had a pet penguin
I’d be a cooler guy,
‘Cause nothing impresses people
Like a bird that doesn’t fly.
I know this as a fact,
Having garnered my first clue
When my neighbor had a party
After buying an emu.
So I went into the pet store,
But no penguin could be found.
I couldn’t even find one
In the wild or the pound.
That’s why I bought this parrot
Who says such funny things.
It’s not flightless, but hey,
At my party I’ll serve wings.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 