Four towers in the corners
Of eight-hundred and eighty square feet
Separated by a net
And a ray of Summer’s heat.
One let fly a bullet
And their counterpart stepped back,
Eyed the bouncing projectile,
Then gave a hearty thwack.
And so the ball of fire
Soared between the warriors four
Until finally to out of bounds
Their common goal did soar.
“A point for us!” The victors cried
As fell the reaper’s sickle
Upon the party who had lost
The game of ball and pickle…
Filed under Poems
I’m a freakin’ space marine!
Half man, half god, half war machine!
I wipe out armies with my fists!
And turn alien brains into alien mists!
I’ve saved every planet from certain death!
When women see me they gasp for breath!
I’m a freakin’ space marine, you know!
What mom? Ooh, pizza? Gotta go!
Filed under Poems
There once was a warrior from Lo
Who’d a habit of stubbing his toe.
He could not help but feel
‘Twas his Achilles heel…
But nope! He died by arrow.
Filed under Poems
Abinary
Abinary means
That you aren’t male or female…
Off to a good start?
Agender
Cancel me, but why
Doesn’t this invalidate
The whole “spectrum” thing?
Androgyne
Like “androgynous”
But for those who want to sound
Like a fashion brand
Androgynous
Gender-neutral look
And an old Greek baby name
Meaning “Poorly Dressed”
Aporagender
Wikipedia
Didn’t even dignify
This with its own page
Bakla
Philippino guys
Who dress up and act like girls,
Unlike baklava.
Bigender
Large person who starred
In a bad sci-fi movie…
Oops! I read that wrong
Binary
Male or female folks
Who will not get scholarships
Unless very poor
Bissu
Indonesian stuff
I just skimmed the article
‘Cause I have a life
Butch
These are lesbians
That they don’t make pornos with.
They like ugly shoes
Calabai/Calalai
More Indonesia
I lumped these two into one
‘Cause I do not care
Cis
Battle droid gender
Fought against the clone army
Nerds will understand
Cisgender
People who agree
That their genitalia
Show what sex they are
Cis Female
Yes, apparently
This is its own separate thing?
A favorite of mine
Cis Male
Gender study peeps,
Let I take this time to say
You need to relax
Cis Man
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Chuck Norris, Sean Connery,
And your girlfriend’s dad
Cis Woman
We’re only on “C”
And this post already seems
Like a huge mistake
Demi-Boy
Superhero film
Disney will release next year
Tell me I’m not wrong
Demiflux
Don’t take Demiflux
If you are allergic or
Can define “Bakla”
Demigender
When your gender vibes
Aren’t strong, but you’ll still sue folks
Who use wrong pronouns
Demi-Girl
I don’t want to know!
Will this suffering not end?
(Demi-boy sequel?)
Demi-Guy
When a demi-girl
Is cool, like a friend, you know?
Not like other gals.
Demi-man
I’m just thinking how
If you take the hyphens out
Do these genders change?
Dual Gender
When you wield a sex
In both hands, unlike the guys
With a shield in one
Demi-Woman
Walkin’ down the street.
The kind I don’t like to meet.
I don’t believe you.
Endosex
You have private parts
Other people cannot mock,
But only one set.
Female
Good, old fashioned girls!
No Demis required here
Except Demi Moore
Female to Male
Like Male to Female
But without the extra perk
Of winning at sports
Femme
Here’s the lesbians
Everybody knows and loves
With long hair/good shoes
FTM
So I guess this means
Contractions are genders now?
WTF
Gender Bender
Here I thought “GB”
In LGBTQ+
Stood for “Great Britain”…
Gender Diverse
When you’re a black chick
Still denied a scholarship.
Hail Mary, yo!
Gender Gifted
Here it is! They made
A participation prize
For being human
Genderfluid
That stuff in the bed
That gets on the sheets after
You have hot… gender.
Genderflux
Like a tongue twister
For pretentious cross-dressers.
But wait! It gets worse!
Genderfuck
I am not kidding.
This is actually a thing
On the internet
Genderless
For agender folks
Who’re offended by the phrase
“Straight A’s”. Am I right?
Gender Nonconforming
Remember when goths
Were the edgy kids in town?
Ah, the good old days!
Genderqueer
For when the word “fag”
Isn’t offensive enough
So you upped the stakes.
Gender Questioning
Proof that there’s such thing
As dumb questions after all.
Isn’t two enough?
Gender Variant
I just had a stroke
Reading Wikipedia.
Does that mean I’m gay?
Graygender
When you realize
Beige-gender’s too exciting
So you tone it down.
Intergender
Fascinating how
There’s a billion ways to say
“Not a girl or boy”
Intersex
All the Thailand memes…
All the girls with extra oomph…
Our next president…
Hijra
The sound that is made
When Godzilla has to sneeze
But covers his face
Kathoey
A carnival game
Where if you pronounce it right
You win a rainbow
Male
Patriarchal bums
Holding up society
But not hard enough
Male to Female
Just like other girls
But better at sports, plus no
“That time of the month”
Man
Man of Trans Experience
Is this akin to
“African American”
And yet more PC?
Maverique
That one X-Men kid
Who the other mutant kids
Beat up after class
MTF
Think of all the folks
Whose initials got usurped
Just like women’s sports
Multigender
The Swiss army knife
Of gender dysmorphia
So handy, I guess?
Muxe
The generic form
Of the brand-name Mucinex…
LOTS of side effects!
Neither
Hmph. No boy. No girl.
Me no likey gender words.
Or words at all. Ugh.
Neurogender
When your sex organ
Is your brain, not genitals.
Too bad it’s broken
Neutrois
Just when you thought France
Was already gay enough…
Voila! C’est neutrois!
Non-Binary
At least this gender
Makes the ballot in most states,
Like the green party
Non-Binary Transgender
When you’re so convinced
Your gender does not exist
You need surgery
Omnigender
The title granted
To those who have memorized
This entire list
Other
For when you read through
Ever-growing gender lists
But still can’t decide
Pangender
Some nicknames include:
“Pot head”, “Small fry”, “Pan Handler”
Good at cooking though
Polygender
The only gender
Who like white Americans…
They wanna cracker
Person of Transgendered Experience
These do not exist.
They are like a unicorn
(Although not as cute)
Third Gender
For the people who
Have third eyes, third boobs, and such.
I’d rate 3/5
Trans
Wikipedia
Has twenty subgroups of these
I’m too tired to care
Travesti
This blog’s fav so far!
Basically Brazilian gay
Please son’t think too hard
Trigender
When you finish math
That has triangles and crap.
Get it? Trig ender?
Two-Spirit
Folks who get turned-on
By sequels of horse movies
From 2002
Woman
Someone who avoids
The guy who wrote these haikus
Except for that one…
Woman of Trans Experience
I should not have done
This stupid haiku challenge
But it still gets worse…
X-Gender
The preferred gender
Of those who date Taylor Swift
Horizontal lines
Xenogender
The pain’s over now;
I can live my life again.
Also, this exists.
Filed under Poems
In the pandemic work has been scarce
And rent is still not free
So I was ecstatic when an old hermit
Said he had yard work for me.
He showed me what once was a noble old cedar
That once proudly stood in the park
Until some young people, for whatever reason,
Stripped the old tree of its bark.
The old man had hired me to glue to the cedar
A fresh set of bark, to restore
A tree to its glory. That ends not the story
Because, yes, you guessed it… there’s more
For In the pandemic, unemployed and discouraged
I’d taken to habits of drinking,
And on that bright morning I set off to work
I was out of the habit of thinking.
With heart full of vigor and head well hungover
I glued on a bucket of bark
And though the idea at first seemed uncanny
The contrast, in hindsight, was stark!
And then the old hermit came to see progress
And laughed with a senile glee,
Saying “I meant the cedar beside the bench, boy.
“I’m afraid you’re barking up the wrong tree!”
Filed under Poems
Amid a thousand oceans
Each a million miles wide,
In a world of fire and darkness
Wherein countless billions died,
A world of steel and angels
Where dragons fill the sky
There lives alone amidst the trees
One totally normal guy.
And as the forests rise into
The universe above
And about him rages endless war,
Between hatred and love,
Surrounded by heroic few
Defenders of what’s right
He lies back on his sofa bed
And tells himself “Good night.”
Saints are slain and martyrs made,
The underworld calls those
Whom destiny has newly bade
To be those whom death chose
Mountains crumble feebly
And utopias collide
And that single lonely sofa man
Just mumbles, “Hey, I tried.”
And though he never earned a place
Among the Gods or Lords of Deep
He ate a balanced diet
And always got a good night’s sleep.
Filed under Poems
A while ago
There was a guy
Who dreamed of being
A fiery eye.
We don’t know why
He felt the need,
But we know that
He did succeed.
The problem with
Old fire-eye’s plot
Is that what he wanted
Others did not,
And so he hid
His power away
So after his death
He’d still be okay.
He put that power
In a magical ring
That got stolen by
A greedy king,
And that repeated
Several times
Through fire and snow
And temperate climes.
Then one day
Some fishing midgets
Found that ring
And asked “what ij it?”
One said “mine!”
The other said “no!”
And so the midgets
Came to blows.
The winning midget
Became a beast
Who hid in a cave
Eating Fancy Feast
Until more midgets
Came along,
Stole the ring,
And sang a song.
A few years later
There was peace
And the ring’s new owner’s
Male niece
Got the ring
As a birthday gift,
Met some elves,
And got a lift
To Rivendell
Where it was decided
Fire-eye’s ego
Had the land divided
And that the only
Thing to do
Was to break the ring
Of you-know-who.
The elves said that
The ring must be laid
In the Mordorian lava
In which it was made.
The dwarf said
“That’s a lot of work,”
Hit the ring with his axe
And looked like a jerk.
So midgets and co.
Went on a quest,
They got betrayed
And left the rest,
Wandered alone
To the volcano of doom
Where the trolls and orcs
Drummed “boom, boom, boom.”
While they did
The men, dwarves, and elves
Fought three hours of orc wars
All by themselves,
Had a romantic subplot
With the long-lost human heir
And the elven princess
With the CGI hair.
By now midgets passed fire-eye’s
Most fiery gazes
Then the ring-bearing midget
Had just one of his dazes,
Turned to his friend,
Said “No Sam! The ring’s mine,”
Then dumbass lost his finger
And it all turned out fine.
Filed under Poems
I tell this tale and sing this song;
‘Tis neither short nor over long.
It is the tale of whom I met
When towards the darkness off I set.
I ventured to a fright’ning spot,
All at one both cold and hot,
And in its center stood the tree
Of personal responsibility.
And beneath that mighty central birch
I met a figure on its perch,
A lovely human, clean and bright
Yet I stood only half its height.
It spoke to me with radiant voice:
“To you I grant this single choice:
“To leave my grove, still safe and dense
“Or to eat the fruit of common sense.”
I looked again at the dreadful tree
From which grew apples, light and free
And with the hymns of wisdom fair
Filled joyfully the grove’s clean air.
And then I looked beyond the wood
To whence I came. Alas, still stood
Where man and beast were much the same,
Obsessed with power, sex, and fame.
To the glorious figure I did ask
What treachery hid within my task,
What fear and pain accompanied
The fruit of logic and its seed.
“No pain at all,” the figure said
Extending apples, smooth and red.
I knew not what was wrong nor right
But I grabbed the fruit and took a bite.
No longer was the forest bleak.
I couldn’t hide. I needn’t speak.
Where once the darkness clutched my heart
I only saw the world’s true art.
Where once I begged, now I produced.
Where once I guessed, now I deduced.
Where once had stood the figure bright
Now stood a mirror to my sight.
And yet the place from which I came
Sat glumly, still the very same.
I stood in brightness, stared at black,
And knew I never would go back.
So if you wander, wondering
Why you’re not pleased with your new thing,
Why your whole life seems second best
I summon you to join my quest,
To seek out forests rank with fear,
And from them soon there will appear
The brighter, lighter, clearer you
That knows and does what’s right and true,
Who looks at worlds of smog and spite,
Yet does his best and smiles despite.
Eat the fruit and so commence
Your brand new life with common sense!
But if back home you would return,
If common sense you seek to spurn,
If you treat dumbness with aplomb
You’ll find your kin at Facebook.com
Filed under Poems
Samson’s hairs were much like twines
As the strong man fought the Philistines.
His dreads inspired lots of fear
(From the smell, just to be clear).
Then he met a Philly girl
Whose hair, like his, was fun to twirl.
They went to Alaska to be married,
A long walk yes, but they never tarried.
As they were wed ‘neath the lights boreal
Dalila was plotting with L’oreal
For if Samson was “worth it,” so might it be
That the war could end sweet and silkily.
And at the igloo’s honeymoon suite
Samson had begun to eat
While Dalila washed his long dark hair,
Both wife and husband unaware
That instead of fancy shampoo, there
Was a mislabeled bottle containing Nair.
With Samson bald, Dalila wept
As from the icy floor she swept
The locks which brought both strength and love
Which had been granted from above.
And so Samson fell from grace,
His head now bald, but not his face.
Dalila wanted to comfort him so,
And said “darling, I think the beard should go.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 