At first today my heart was pained
By knowing every team
In the NFL I cared about
This year had lost their dream.
Then my brain switched on a light
And I did realize
Two teams I strongly dislike
Have to get hit by guys twice my size,
That excellence and victory
Brought them 4 weeks of extra pain
For a 50/50 shot
At a trophy they might gain.
And somewhere betwixt my brain and heart
I realized how futile are rings and crowns
And found new admiration
For the 49ers and the Browns.
Intelligence is knowing
That Xanthan Gum’s squiggly.
Wisdom is not suggesting it
As a flavor for Wrigley.
Filed under Poems
It’s half an hour to midnight
As the car runs out of gas.
The hat succumbs to the weather.
The little dog treats me like a cat.
My will is like an iron
As I walk in metal shoes
Towards the hotel of my rivals
And I know I’m bound to lose.
No change, though hours are passing
At the boardwalk by the park.
A steamship carrying wheelbarrows
Passes silent in the dark.
And as I spend my last coin
At the railroad B&O
I look at my thimble overlord,
Roll doubles thrice and to jail I go.
Filed under Poems
I want a sci-fi movie
With a lisping protagonist
Who steals bladed weapons
From a man who reshaped a board.
The reason why is simply
I want them to beat the antagonist
Not with a light saber
But with a lather’s sword.
Filed under Poems
Many a cliff has suffered,
Many a mountain fell,
Many a stone was carved upon
For a corpse’s age to tell.
And so I stand in memory
Of the headstones far and wide
Who gave their lives to lay
And tell us who here-lied.
Filed under Poems
If you need special education
And can’t digest information,
If you need special education
Thump your chest!
(Thump thump thump thump…)
Filed under Poems
I said your boyfriend’s got
A hell of an ass.
You said he’s an amputee.
I said I meant
The ass on his arm.
Now you aren’t friends with me.
Filed under Poems
I love you more than anything,
And if you were to change
Into an evil living-plastic moth
Or something equally strange,
Something ugly, something violent,
Something truly vile to touch
Then I want you to know
That I might not love you quite as much.
Filed under Poems
I’ve seen your pictures everywhere.
I love the way you smell.
Some say you’re just a piece of meat
But you’re more… I can tell.
Your buns are round and toasty
And inside you’re tangy sweet
And if I had a bit more money
Then our meeting’d be my treat!
Filed under Poems
Some Americans on food stamps
Are demanding food for pets,
‘Cause “pets are more than something that you own.”
I say cut the stamps
And let Lady eat the tramps…
Save money and kill two birds with one stone!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 