I think that in a former life
I was a block of wood
Because I like to do nothing
While smelling sort of good,
I’d be hurt if hit by a chainsaw
And I’m warm when set on fire.
My dream is to one day be famous
So next life I’ll be a Goodyear tire
Tag Archives: Humor
Not Racist, Just Comfy
I find it funny that those who fought
For an inclusive ideology
Now think that those with “normal” thoughts
Owe outsiders apologies,
That those who culturally kill their kind
Are morally superior
To those who really do not mind
If you’re black, a chick, or queerier,
That while we wear our pale skin
And external genitalia
If we don’t call these things a sin
Then somehow you think we failed ya.
But I’m content and keen to keep
My straight white male role.
My life I live, my crops I reap
In a neighborhood safe to stroll.
So if you wave your protest signs
They’ll not change how I see.
You will not find me cryin’
Because I know it’s fine to be me.
So please don’t give me an earful.
I’m happy being cheerful.
Filed under Poems
Almost Zeus
Deep in a forest
In some ancient year
Lived the grandest buck ever,
The king of the deer.
His antlers were mountains.
Sun and moon were his eyes.
There was nothing more massive
Or nearly as wise.
He spoke only truths
And healed all ills.
His laughter was music.
His teardrops were hills.
This primeval buck
Made all that’s good, fair, and lush
But his name was “Pookums”
So you don’t hear of him much.
Filed under Poems
Revenge
When you advocate
That slaves may chain tyrants,
That those who’re offended
May harm those who speak freely,
That hatred is evil
Unless evil you hate
Then forgive my cocked eyebrow
And my skeptical “really?”
Filed under Poems
Is This Just Uninspired Trash Or Some Sort Of Super-Roundabout-Yomama Joke Or What?
Folks sometimes yell
“Jesus Christ!” When they’re mad,
But what did Mary shout
When Jesus was bad?
I do have a theory
And, yes, it is lame
But when Jesus was bad
Mary shouted my name.
Filed under Poems
What Is Love? (Baby Don’t Hurt Me)
I inquired wherein
Lies the essence of love
As succinctly as I could
Whereupon my darling
Pummeled me
With a block of solid wood.
With a term of endearment
Once I begged
Then, without it, begged once more.
But while she had a way
I had only strength
To finish thus: No more!
Filed under Poems
White Men…
Forty-thousand years ago
I was not yet born.
There was no clear cut logging,
Slow wi-fi or GMO corn.
The Federal Reserve
Had some cash they’d yet to spend
And there’d never been a war
Designed to have no end.
Alas, what we have now’s
Not what we had.
I guess that I should probably say
“My bad.”
A school shooting three times a year
Is worse than the crusades.
Sixty-eight cents on a man’s dollar
Is worse than not getting paid.
All the knowledge in the world
Is just a finger tap away,
But it can’t match the tribal elders
Saying “stone that guy. He’s gay.”
Despite the stained glass windows
God’s our middle-eastern dad,
So from this white guy to the world:
Oops, my bad.
Filed under Poems
Le’eonardo De’avinci
Yo, ‘sup homie.
I got da shizzow:
It’s a portrait I did
Of dis half-smilin’ hoe.
It’s all kinda dark
In a beige kinda style
And I figga the critics
Gonna rave for a while.
I got some new model
But wut’s dat bitch’s name?
Moana? Le’isa?
Nothing worthy of fame.
They’ll ask why’d I paint it
And wonder howso.
Too bad I was trippin’
And forgot her brows yo!
#Wurd
Filed under Poems
Hey Girl! Check Out My MPGs
I’m the Rolls Royce of romance,
The Lamborghini of love,
The Audi of ardor
And the driver thereof.
I’m a Bentley of bravery.
You’re a Cadillac cutie.
Alas I’m the Smart Car
Of wealth, status, and beauty.
Filed under Poems
Close Encounters
I met her on the corner
Somewhere ’round midnight
She wore next to nothing
And held a red light.
She said “it’s $100 an hour”
Just so you know.
I gave her a dime
And said “guess I’ll go slow.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 