When you think about anything
It becomes weird,
Like why can’t tigers
Grow a beard,
Why would someone join
An introverts group,
And who first thought
“He’s a nincompoop?”
And eventually you will find
The answers are one of these
“Probably reasons I don’t get”
Or “Screw it! More chocolate please.”
Filed under Poems
If you are an amputee
Does your erotic preference change
To match your physicality,
Or is my asking that just strange?
The reason that I ask
Is that I want to get
The web domain StumpHump.com…
Is that something I may regret?
Filed under Poems
It may have been love
If that’s what you call it,
‘Cause I liked her tits
And she liked my wallet.
As it turned out later
Hers and mine were both fake
But we both loosed our hair buns
And took what we could take.
Filed under Poems
Two weeks ago I left behind
A big part of my life…
And I don’t speak of small stuff
Like a job, a church, a wife…
I left behind the means by which
Most others at me look,
By which I mean the platform
That we know as the Facebook.
And since I stepped away from it
I noticed there’s a sky,
I haven’t heard “impeach Trump”
Nor been annoyed by those who try,
I haven’t argued even once
Or leered at female friends
And my days are nine hours longer
And I don’t care whom that offends.
My IQ’s jumped twelve points so far.
I may have lost some weight.
I talked a bit with strangers
At the bus’s boarding gate.
I went outside three times this week
And didn’t feel lame
And though some folks may still hate me
I don’t comment on their blame.
So overall un-pluggedness
(Or less-pluggedness if we’re honest)
Has made me ever happier,
Less pale, and a bit more modest.
Now instead of saying
“Here’s how my life should be”
To friends I haven’t seen in years
Now I can just be me!
Filed under Poems
It may not be fun to be a grunt,
A minion, red-shirt, or blackguard,
But you’ll surely be remembered
When one sees your business card!
As the clock strikes midnight
In the palace of ice
My glass shoes turn to cowhide,
My horses become mice,
My hair falls in dirty sheets
Over my blouse, which ironically
Is also made of dirty sheets
Which still smell better than me,
And I see my prince’s eyes widen
And he tells me I’m still beautiful
So I slap him and run away
‘Cause I don’t like being objectified
By one-percenters.
Filed under Poems
When you’re young, people ask
“What do you want to be
“When you grow up,” and today
I found my answer (finally)!
I want to be the guy whose job’s
To be the obscure-stats fairy
And Google crap that nobody knows
And tell the guys doing commentary
So when the score is 12-8
In a game involving someone named “Lou”
Because of me you’ll know that hasn’t happened
Since 1962!
Filed under Poems
At first today my heart was pained
By knowing every team
In the NFL I cared about
This year had lost their dream.
Then my brain switched on a light
And I did realize
Two teams I strongly dislike
Have to get hit by guys twice my size,
That excellence and victory
Brought them 4 weeks of extra pain
For a 50/50 shot
At a trophy they might gain.
And somewhere betwixt my brain and heart
I realized how futile are rings and crowns
And found new admiration
For the 49ers and the Browns.
Intelligence is knowing
That Xanthan Gum’s squiggly.
Wisdom is not suggesting it
As a flavor for Wrigley.
Filed under Poems
It’s half an hour to midnight
As the car runs out of gas.
The hat succumbs to the weather.
The little dog treats me like a cat.
My will is like an iron
As I walk in metal shoes
Towards the hotel of my rivals
And I know I’m bound to lose.
No change, though hours are passing
At the boardwalk by the park.
A steamship carrying wheelbarrows
Passes silent in the dark.
And as I spend my last coin
At the railroad B&O
I look at my thimble overlord,
Roll doubles thrice and to jail I go.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 