They told me to lift dumbbells
‘Cause my arms were far too thin.
I couldn’t check if they were right
‘Cause Congress wouldn’t let me in.
Tag Archives: poems
She’s Lying…
Everything’s fine.
I won’t get mad.
I don’t care about your exes.
I’m almost ready.
I’ll call you right back.
I don’t mind you buying that Lexus.
I really don’t care.
I really don’t mind.
I really (insert anything here).
No, I’m not jealous
And if we get married
I’ll never make you watch Shakespeare.
Filed under Poems
The Hippies Are Alive And Well
Sometimes I like to sit
And feel the wind between my toes,
To plant some seeds behind my ears
And see if something grows,
To boil a pot of water
Then cool it with my breath.
I call it “life with nature.”
Dad calls it “side-effects of meth.”
Filed under Poems
Playing With A Too-Full Deck
The young bet on clubs
And slowly lose their mind.
The grown bet on diamonds
And what they seek, they find.
The old bet on spades
And in time all follow suit.
For those who bet on hearts
Best be rich, or else be cute.
Yet I drew five jokers…
I’m either destined for greatness
Or I bet on too many clubs.
Filed under Poems
A Spartan Limerick
Imagine that after a battle
You found an Athenian child with the cattle…
The adopter would be thanked
But if the kid couldn’t be spanked
The adopters are up a Greek without a paddle.
Filed under Poems
Now I’m Going To Get A Bunch Of Calls And Texts From Concerned People Who Think I’m Depressed When, No, I’m Just Not Particularly Inspired And MyPrevious Poems Involved How Much I Hate Zucchini And Soccer So I Figured I’d Just Publish This One. (Also, Around The Time I Wrote “Poems” In This Title I Became Unable To See What I Was Typing Because My Phone’s Screen Is Too Small So Please Forgive Any Tupoes). Also, Is There A Limit To How Long A Title Can Be?
If I weren’t so cynical
I’d probably be equally sad,
Not because I’m cynical
But because the world’s just bad.
Nurture Your Nature
We build our lives to last
When no life ever will,
Polishing details
That only we can see.
We want to climb the ladder,
Be the king of every hill
While most things in the world
Will exist below the sea.
We bend and bleed and labor,
Flap our wings but seldom fly.
We might overcome our nature
But that is not my wish.
We could be a flying whale
But I have to wonder why
We would be unhappy whales
Instead of very happy fish.
Filed under Poems
Flirting In Canada
I was a man
And she was not.
She hadn’t noticed me
But I thought she was hot.
I approached her politely
And told her “I’m Dan.”
She was, in hindsight, not pleased
So I got two years in the can.
I remember when men
Were not seen as a foe,
But not anymore
Thanks to Justin Trudeau.
Filed under Poems
This Is Closer To Reality Than I’d Like (And Yes, Niche Does Rhyme With Itch)
Sometimes I wish I were an itch,
An itch that can’t be scratched
So I could bug the ugly thug
To whom you are attached.
Then when you were single
I would steal away your heart
And just like that eternal itch
We’d never be apart.
But eventually you’d hate me
And the scratching I’d inspire
And you’d dump me for some other jerk
Of whom you would soon tire
Then I would swoop back to you,
Your faithful little itch
And maybe this time you won’t dump me?
What do you mean my fetish is niche…
Filed under Poems
Another Dream Accomplished!
My dream is not too grandiose;
It’s simply to be less verbose.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 