All I want for Christmas
Is a lump of coal.
I hope I get one soon.
My only problem
Is I’m a good boy
And also that it’s June.
Tag Archives: poems
Shakespearean Breakups
The whale, beached as it may be,
Still dreams of life upon the sea,
So ask not whence your velvet coat
And why ’twas pawned to buy a boat.
Just read my explanation note;
“Your dream. Sincerely, me.”
Filed under Poems
A Squirt Of Perspective
Slice of lemon in your glass?
That happens all the time,
But have you ever wondered why
It’s not a slice of lime?
The lighter-colored citrus fruits
Are served most frequently
Because climate change and racists.
That’s what half the people see.
The other half are shouting
That the lack of water-limes
Is thanks to the free-market
In these far-from-certain times
And that the pro-lime lobbyists
Will take your guns away
And so in lemon drinks we trust…
In Jesus’ name we pray.
Filed under Poems
I Want To Be A Journalist Now
Some folks say women and men.
Some say females and males.
I say:
Some lives have a destination.
Some lives are about the journey.
Some people like kisses.
Some people prefer hugs.
Some are busy writing:
Cooked Allah Mode
There is a mighty crater here
Where recently there wasn’t.
Ali-Baba said his bomb works
And I said “No it doesn’t.”
Ali-Baba sure was right.
Correct ’twas the hunch he had,
But he misread the bombs locale.
Thus ended his jihad.
Buzzfeed Journalism
Everything in life worth knowing
Can be found in a hard-boiled egg.
If you don’t see how that’s possible
Your name probably isn’t Greg.
Filed under Poems
Is The Red Meat Yellow?
If you ever meet a cannibal
And it wants to eat your flesh
And you want to look less finger-lickin’ good
Then scream and cry and wail
‘Cause cannibals don’t like
The taste of chicken. Are we understood?
Filed under Poems
You Pull Me Down (The Alcohol Song)
When my body is strong
And my conscience is clean,
When troubles flee
And there’s no pain to be seen
Then I sip you
And fade into the white noise
Until the darkness comes
And has its way with me.
You pull me down
So I can walk on water.
You pull me down
To kiss a killer bee.
I am loud
And damp and have a bee sting.
You pull me down
And show the real me.
Then I awake
And find my house is tattered,
My lampshade’s gone
And so’s my front door key
And on my arm
My blood says “Margueritte wuz here.”
I don’t know her
But I guess she knew me.
Filed under Poems
On Acceptable Mediocrity And Busy Schedules
When one cannot find the time
To come up with a clever rhyme
Or twist to end a bit of verse
One may perchance become terse.
One may then search and one may find
That a lousy poem they don’t mind,
That stuff can be bad yet still okay
And that’s the tale of my poem today!
Filed under Poems
Think Of All The TV I Missed Though…
The river softly calls my name,
The trees and wind applauding.
I wander in the wilderness
And smell the flowers nodding.
The sky’s a bright and cloudless blue
In the moment I lie down
And what was once a rocky hill
Becomes my granite crown.
I stay an hour or a year
Amidst the wild. I savor it.
We all are nature’s children
And mother nature has no favorite.
And thus I rest on brother grass
As sister blue jay sings
And laugh at those who seek to find
Their happiness in things.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 