My mother told me
“You know you’ve hit rock bottom
“When you spank statues.”
Tag Archives: Silly
Mornings
Like the breath of the moon I watched my thoughts
And sang within my heart,
Combining dreams with promises
Into an invisible art.
I listened for the absent birds
Counting seconds before they pass
Which is a more mystical way to say
I was tired so I sat on my ass.
Filed under Poems
Is Mary In Labor Yet?
We’ve waited for a while now
To celebrate some waiting,
Expectantly expecting
To be anticipating.
Today at last the wait can end
And world peace is beginning
Until the 26th occurs
And we resume our sinning.
Filed under Poems
*Rapidly Buys Stock In Scarf Company*
If you throw plastic in the trash
I hope you realize
That you might be the reason
A baby turtle dies
And if, because of plastic,
Sea turtles end up dead
They can’t make turtleneck sweaters anymore
And you’ll have to wear scarves instead.
Filed under Poems
The Real Reason For Bread And Water In Prison
Want to give stopping crime a try?
We’ve got police and the FBI,
The CIA and TSA
And yet crime just won’t go away!
I have a method that may just work:
If somebody is being a jerk
Feed them lots of food, ’cause who
Commits a crime when they have to poo?
When perpetrators are constipated
You’ll find most violence had abated;
If you don’t want to end up dead
Feed potential felons bread.
Filed under Poems
My Dating Algorithm (1-10)
To find a man’s value
Divide his income by 10,000
Then subtract two to compensate.
To find a woman’s value
Call her a ten
(If she has a penis, call her an eight).
Filed under Poems
Aye Aye, I! I Eye i^i Eyes, I Eye i^i “Aye Ayes,” and I Eye I’s i^i Eyes Eyeing i^i i^is With I’s i^i “Aye Aye” Eyes, Aye. I?
English is funny; Take the word “ship”
Which can mean a variety of things…
It can mean a big boat
That can carry other boats
Or other miscellaneous bling.
Therefore a ship who ships cargo
(Oh yeah, ship is also a verb)
Can ship ships as its cargo
(Or so is said as a ship-shipping blurb).
“Ship” can also be used
To describe imaginary romance
Where two hypothetical characters
Want to get in one-another’s pants.
In this sense, the word shipping
Is creating the romantic “ship,”
But could also mean that you think
The prospect of shipping is hip.
So if you like to like the idea
Of a romantic relationship between
A cargo delivery vehicle who delivers ships
Falling in love with a similar machine
You ship shipping ship-shipping ships shipping ship-shipping ships,
And that is grammatically correct.
Yes indeed, English is funny
But deserves at least grudging respect.
Filed under Poems
When Friends Need To Vent
If you feel empty inside
Just take away the “E”
And you can feel mpty instead.
Or, alternatively
Take away the “Y”
And feel emp-t (and misled).
If you take away
The “E,” “P,” and “Y”
You feel mt, and that’s fine.
But if you say nothing
Your words won’t be empty
And we won’t have to hear you whine.
Filed under Poems
Three Philosophies Best Spoken Rapidly And Without Breathing…
Some monastic people say that if you can forgo enough
That you can lose the urge to call some other people “bro” and stuff.
To do this is a sort of psychologicalish double-bluff
That, if applied correctly, leaves you feeling rather strong and tough.
On the other hand our non-monastic colleagues like to say
Pursuing earthly pleasures is, to happiness, a surer way
And that forgoing stuff is very (insert synonym for gay)
And that, through your indulgences, you’re guaranteed to feel okay.
I am of a middle-ground, a kind of tertiary school
For those who think that happiness comes not from being tough or cool
But that the key unlocking all the treasures of this happy stuff
Is “Everything is perfect if you keep your standards low enough.”
Filed under Poems
5:00 AM, The Homes Of Single Women Everywhere
Bloodshot are her yellow eyes,
Pearly white her claws,
And you have been found guilty
Of not following her laws.
She deigns to shake her golden mane
Before she makes you dead,
The only just denouement
For leaving the cat unfed.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 