When Chinese people
Want to eat on fancy plates
What are those plates called?
Tag Archives: Silly
Then It Said It’s Name Was “Officer Jenkins” And That I Was “Under Arrest”
I sat down one evening
On a recliner
When a voice unkindly arose.
“I’m not a chair”
Called the voice through the air,
From the recliner I suppose.
Now most times I sit
That’s basically it.
Seldom do seats tell me “no.”
So I just have to say
If stuff goes on this way
We must ask how far it will go!
Filed under Poems
There’s Someone For Everybody
I want you
Like vegan bacon,
Like rain on my birthday,
Like my car being towed.
I want you
Like an unreleased kraken,
Like a giant pet termite
Or a poisonous toad.
I want you
Like an IRS audit,
Like Buffy wanted
A vampire to slay.
Some might hate this poem
But I know you applaud it.
My wants may be wonky
But you like it that way.
Filed under Poems
Whoopee!
Once in a while you pass something
That forever changes your life,
That frees you from discomfort
And gastronomic strife.
They come without much fanfare,
Just a single tiny toot,
And you don’t even mind
If the air they do pollute.
Every once in a while
You don’t know what to do
‘Til something in your gut
Will take the lead for you
And the winds that held you back
Now are broken. All is well.
All those who never knew you
Ask “who’s that?” And “what’s that smell?”
Did you ever know that you’re my hero,
The reason why my intestine sings?
All cheese I cut is for your glory!
You pass the wind beneath my wings.
Filed under Poems
Dream Jobs
When I was a baby
I went to a farm
And learned about the origins of milk.
I was curious and asked
What happens if you’re tasked
With squeezing udders of the masculine cow’s ilk.
And when farmers laughed
And the parents cringed
I knew I’d stumbled on something good
And I knew when I grew up
I would be an artificial inseminator
Whether or not I really ought or should.
Filed under Poems
New Perspectives
I once went to a market
For groceries I would buy
When a most unpleasant sight
Fell upon my naive eye.
I can only picture
What occurred before I came
As if the homeless had played poker
And they all had lost the game,
For beside the sidewalk entrance
Underneath the neon sign
Were a hundred empty carts
Neatly tucked into a line.
Somewhere in the city
There are those who’ve lost there way
So I beg you, steal back their carts
For justice! (Please obey)
Filed under Poems
Hindsight Is 20/100
When I was ten
The world was bright.
The sun would wear a smile.
When I was twenty
The world was fun
And I ran a four-minute mile.
After I turned the thirty
The world was my oyster.
I was truly in the flow,
And now I’m ninety-eight years old
Being told “the memory’s first to go.”
Filed under Poems
Inner City Nursery Rhymes
“Red umbrella on a bench
Next to homeless guy with stench.
Kinda wrinkly, slightly damp
Are both umbrella and the tramp.
They’ve been friends since ’98
When he bought it, as if by fate.
Together they’ve been through a lot.
They’ve weathered storms, bickered, and fought.
The hobo and umbrella pair
Possess a sense of laissez-faire.
It seems for them that things look up
As they count coins in their half-full cup.
Then they lynch a passerby;
Umbrella stabs him in the eye.”
This is why you should always look
Before you buy a children’s book!
Filed under Poems
Priorities
Gary was outnumbered
A thousand to one.
He had some chopsticks,
They all had guns,
But he screamed “for freedom!”
And charged at the rest.
I cried behind a rock and lived
So my battle cry was best.
Filed under Poems
Yours Truly Goes To A Restaurant
Whether you like mozzarella
Or “anything, as long as its yella”
If you say thank-a-you and please
Then come on down and have some cheese!
We’ve got cheese from cows and goats,
From naked sheep and sheep with coats,
From pigs and deer and even moles.
How much? Bowls and bowls and bowls!
It tastes like heaven. You can check!
It makes the hairs stand on your neck.
And if you melt it… oh, where to begin!
Oh, wait, sorry… you’re vegan…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 