Yo, ‘sup homie.
I got da shizzow:
It’s a portrait I did
Of dis half-smilin’ hoe.
It’s all kinda dark
In a beige kinda style
And I figga the critics
Gonna rave for a while.
I got some new model
But wut’s dat bitch’s name?
Moana? Le’isa?
Nothing worthy of fame.
They’ll ask why’d I paint it
And wonder howso.
Too bad I was trippin’
And forgot her brows yo!
#Wurd
Filed under Poems
I said “I can’t go dancing
Because of Plantar’s Fasciitis.”
She said “isn’t that when gardeners
Vote for Trump just to spite us?”
I laughed a bit too much I guess.
I thought it was just banter.
Now I’m mocked on Buzzfeed
For being a fascist planter.
Filed under Poems
Today we bury the body of Joe
Who lived to 108.
He read the terms and conditions
And thus he is “the late.”
Filed under Poems
Whosoever writeth thus
In styles archaic and old
Shall not retain a salary
And, as consequence, is cold
For whosoever writeth
In a manner hard to read
Is but a fool or PhD,
Neither of which fulfills a need.
Filed under Poems
If you prey at a alter
And like you’re time their,
You watch the news and think
That how the world works isnt fare,
Youve misplaced yor resume
But will happily give you the jist
Than you might bee looking four jobs
Via a web sight like Craigslist.
Filed under Poems
Marvel should create someone
Whose a hero with no powers,
Like a non-billionaire Batman
In front of whom no villain cowers.
He should be short and poor and whiny,
Cry a lot and be a victim
And whenever he’s out heroing
The Avengers ask “who picked ‘im?”
He displays no special qualities,
Lacks gadgets, brains, and strength
Which is why those who are like him
Need representation. At any length…
I think the point I’m making
Is while, sure, “Super” is great
We need an Affirmative Action Hero!
(Now your hate mail I await)
Filed under Poems
When one says “I must be dreaming”
(Implying you’re something they snoozed)
You should slap them with a chicken
Just to make them more confused.
An alligator also works
But they’re tougher to hide.
Also, if you’re sleepy and poultry-phobic
I find it’s best to stay inside.
Filed under Poems
When you think about anything
It becomes weird,
Like why can’t tigers
Grow a beard,
Why would someone join
An introverts group,
And who first thought
“He’s a nincompoop?”
And eventually you will find
The answers are one of these
“Probably reasons I don’t get”
Or “Screw it! More chocolate please.”
Filed under Poems
When you’re young, people ask
“What do you want to be
“When you grow up,” and today
I found my answer (finally)!
I want to be the guy whose job’s
To be the obscure-stats fairy
And Google crap that nobody knows
And tell the guys doing commentary
So when the score is 12-8
In a game involving someone named “Lou”
Because of me you’ll know that hasn’t happened
Since 1962!
Filed under Poems
I want a sci-fi movie
With a lisping protagonist
Who steals bladed weapons
From a man who reshaped a board.
The reason why is simply
I want them to beat the antagonist
Not with a light saber
But with a lather’s sword.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 