As Dumbledore once said
When called upon to speak:
“I have a few words to say:
“Nitwit, blubber, oddment, tweak.”
These words describe my mental state
It’s been that sort of week.
Tag Archives: Stupid
It Would Be Called “231,” Since Women Only Get 77 Soldiers On The Hundred
It’s an age of all-female remakes
Like Ghost Busters and Oceans 8.
My faithful readers probably think
This is a trend I’d hate.
Instead I think the opposite;
It’s something I’m totally for
And here are some beloved movies
To remake if they make more:
How about “The Godmother?”
“Lady of the Rings?”
“The Good, the Less Good, and the Strong Independent Woman
“Concerned Less With Appearance Than Other Things?”
How ’bout all-female “Fight Club”
Or “Saving Private Ryan?”
How about a “Hacksaw Ridge”
That no one has to die in?
I jest, I jest (At least I hope).
But I pray that in 2019
The all-female “300” reboot
Hits the Imax screen.
Filed under Poems
Why Do People Think Vampires Are Evil? Oh, Yeah…
If I were a vampire,
Unfazed by passing time
I’d find a cure for cancer
And think of a less obvious rhyme.
I’d write the greatest music
The world would ever hear.
I’d usher in an age of peace
And put an end to fear.
I’d find a cure for bloodlust
(My own and others too)
And take vitamin D pills
So lack of sunlight wouldn’t make me feel blue.
But, alas, those people
Who became immortal blood-diners
Used it to go to high school for 300 years,
Play baseball, and seduce minors.
Filed under Poems
Flirting In Canada
I was a man
And she was not.
She hadn’t noticed me
But I thought she was hot.
I approached her politely
And told her “I’m Dan.”
She was, in hindsight, not pleased
So I got two years in the can.
I remember when men
Were not seen as a foe,
But not anymore
Thanks to Justin Trudeau.
Filed under Poems
Buzzfeed Journalism
Everything in life worth knowing
Can be found in a hard-boiled egg.
If you don’t see how that’s possible
Your name probably isn’t Greg.
Filed under Poems
One More Time (Anatomy Of Pop)
I met you, romantic prospect,
At a facility frequented by listeners of this genre.
It was unrealistically perfect
To look upon ya.
Then I sang about nothing!
Then I sang the same nothing!
Then the same nothing again
One more time!
I mentioned your physical appearance
But also a personal detail
To convince listeners of this genre
That you, romantic prospect, are real.
Then I sang about nothing!
Then the exact same nothing!
Then a slightly lengthened version of the same nothing
(With backup singers)
One more time!
Then I sang again about nothing!
(Because choruses, yo)
Then again about nothing!
(Because choruses bro)
One more time about nothing!
(Yay radio…)
One more time!
Fade and repeat ad infinitum…
Still Want Super Powers?
Super strength at tea parties,
Super speed in bed,
Shoot lasers from your eyes
Whenever you say “I thee wed,”
Flight while on an airplane,
Access to Betamax knowledge,
Or being a straight white male
But only when applying to college.
Filed under Poems
This One’s For All The First Graders (And Middle Schoolers)
There are things I’ll never knew
‘Cause I’ll will not have eating glue
But since I eated it I confess
This poem’s grammars has not make sense.
Filed under Poems
#LookBothWays
I saw the golden headlights
Driving towards me in the rain.
I heard the tires squealing
And the brake lines shout of pain.
I smelled the burning rubber
And sensed the car careening
As I changed my Facebook status
So my life could have some meaning.
So Basically Tide Pods, Right?
If you’ve always dreamed of fame
But the dream never came to fruition
I have a helpful tidbit
From yours truly’s intuition:
Drink a bunch of chemicals
Then pretend you have the flu
And with any luck some doctor
Will name a condition after you!
Filed under Poems
