Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Yet a more valuable fact
Is less cited as true:
They’re symbols of waste,
The decay of one’s youth,
Yet one must buy flowers
To prove that you’re couth.
For every blue violet
And red rose you eschew
The longer the doghouse
Shall be fate for you.
So for my fellow rebels
Who see trees but not forests…
When we kill all the lawyers
Let’s also kill florists.
Filed under Poems
We as a species
Devote so much time
To inventing a car
That’s smarter than us;
A car that can fly,
Can swim or can jump,
Can brake automatically
And not cause a fuss.
I think we can dream
Even bigger than this,
That the auto market,
There is a way to win it,
And we must redouble
Our effort to invent
A car that implodes
When a moron gets in it.
Filed under Poems
Sometimes a thought
Is not what it ought,
A fact that, alas, you can’t change.
But type it in bold
And voila! Behold
It’s still pointless, but I had you going for a while.
Filed under Poems
If I were a sniper
And also a duck
I’d rely on my training
And also my pluck
To take out a target
In one master stroke.
I’d let out a quack
When I see the guy croak.
Being a duck sniper
Some might call “fowl.”
But I could wear camo makeup
And maybe a cowl.
But alas I was born
With a bad lot of luck;
I could still be a sniper
But never a duck…
Filed under Poems
I said I was her rock,
Her anchor, her wall.
She sold me to a mining company.
Alas, that is all.
Filed under Poems
All that glimmers
Is not blue.
It isn’t helpful
But its true.
Yes I’m tired;
You were right.
You are welcome,
And good night.
Filed under Poems
I’ve got another story
That I thought I’d share with you
And unlike most of my others
This one is completely true.
I’m stuck in traffic, driving
Down through Portland, OR.
At one time people thought “let’s go”
But apparently not anymore.
We’re driving behind a Tesla
With a vanity plate
That reads “UNSTPBL.”
Its driver I do hate.
I know most folks are decent
But my opinion’s going askew
Thanks to Mr. 100K a year
Who has 15 IQ.
I could probably go on longer,
And (we’ll see) perhaps I might.
I’ve got 400 miles ’til I get home
And that’s a lot of night.
I’m glad I don’t live in LA,
New York, or Portland too,
But if you’ve got a book I can sign
Come to I-5 exit 242.
Filed under Poems
Yesterday, on Facebook,
I saw an event
That a friend wanted to,
In the future, say they went.
It was a play by Young Jean Lee
Called “Straight White Men,”
And, somewhere in my soul
I thought “Lord, not again!”
So I read the description
Of this play, ’cause ’twas late.
It said “a comedy about the people
“Who we all love to hate.”
Now that was enlightening,
And since then I’ve learned
Racism’s when white men feel good
About all that they’ve earned.
So as a straight white man
Who lives in a place
Where the windows aren’t broken
And walls aren’t defaced,
Where all violent crimes
Are, in general, rare,
I learned that such luxuries
Just aren’t fair.
I learned that I’m “privileged,”
‘Cause my life doesn’t suck,
That I’m not a poor druggy
Quite simply by luck,
That my checking account
Still has money to spare
Not because of good choices
But because life’s not fair.
Straight white men are evil
For being ourselves.
We should donate our homes
To black people or elves.
Up ’til now I’ve lived honestly,
Tried to do what was right.
I see now that’s impossible
Because I am white!
Filed under Poems
If you’re the type of person
Who’d name their child “Splorch”
I want to meet you
Because my name is Splorch
And my parents left me
When I was young
And you’re probably them.
Filed under Poems
They said: Let go your sorrows,
Let go all your regrets,
Let go your fear of failure,
Your worries and your debts.
For a while I was happier
As you probably have seen.
Next time I’ll release my stress
After I leave the trampoline.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 