It rises like a mountain,
Slopes gently like a hill,
Softer than a lullaby
And gives me such a thrill;
A spectacle, a marvel,
And my mouth will never shut
As I gaze with loving splendor
On my girl’s majestic butt.
Tag Archives: Women
Chatting With The “Mirror Selfie” Girls…
Sometimes I look in the mirror
And see myself staring at me,
And when I clean the glass it gets clearer
And I know it’s my face that I see
And I look at myself and think “Wow!
“That’s expected, and not very shocking!”
And that, my dear lady, is what I perceive
And thus space out when you start talking.
Filed under Poems
Sophie’s Choice
Sophie was an average girl
With fairly average likes;
Fond of wine and dogs and soap
And mental health and hikes.
One day she was kidnapped
By a disembodied voice
Who told her she would surely die
Unless she made the choice:
Would she rather kiss someone
Who smelled liked a catcher’s mitt
That had been soaked in sour milk
And armadillo spit
While treading water in a pool
Of acid, hot as Hades
And listening to Kenny G
Play highlights of the eighties
While the Devil lit a match
And burned off all her hair…
Or, when asked where she’d like to eat
To not say “I don’t care.”
Filed under Poems
Also Starring: Ikea Furniture, Bad Decisions, Musclebound Shirtless Guys Who Talk About Feelings… Waaaaiiiiiit…
If they rebooted “Fight Club“
With an all-female cast
It would feature Taylor Durden
Remembering her past
When she and thousands of women
From different means and ends
Got together in a basement
And pretended to be friends
Until at last they’d had enough
And used some dynamite
To blow up buildings, and then were like
“Becky’s so cringe, right?”
Filed under Poems
Arrive At Five Bro
When you drive to pick her up
And leave at 4:15
She says she’ll be ready in 10 minutes
But we the wise have seen
That when a woman tells you
When she’ll be ready is the same
As the way the measure how long’s left
At the end of a football game.
Filed under Poems
Troubleshooting
This year I’ve devoted a considerable portion of time to two activities: Dating, and IT support. While normally doing both of these at the same time decreases the enjoyment in both activities, I’ve realized the two have a lot more in common than one might think. For example:
1. Bars are not good places to look for women or computers.
2. Most things you can’t recover from occur because of memory failures.
3. While tempting, upgrading to newer models is expensive and prone to supply shortages.
4. You will be appreciated for your people skills, not your technical expertise.
5. If you need to look up answers in a book, do it when you’re alone.
6. If something is smoking and/or leaking fluid, RUN!
7. You can know how things work, but you’ll rarely know why.
8. You sound smart if you notice incremental changes in appearance.
9. Nobody wants to hear graphic details (or details about graphics).
10. Most of the time you screw up, the error message comes too late to fix anything.
And the ultimate key:
11. When in doubt, make sure it’s turned on.
Also, the more energy you put in, the hotter everything gets.
Filed under To the Reader
A New Study Finds All This Began In 1960 When A Straight White Man Refused To Get Vaccinated
The average guy is a virgin.
The average girl is a hoe.
You can get a college degree
To combat toxic masculinity…
How’d we get here? I don’t know.
Filed under Poems
One More Try (Guess Who Went To A Bluegrass Show Tonight?)
I was raised out in the country
A couple miles past “out in the sticks”
And I’ve got that country talent
For meetin’ just the most unfaithful chicks;
The Jezebels and the Delilahs,
The ones who’ll love you ‘til the dawn
But when I’m done cookin’ ‘em breakfast
It’s an empty bed, and oh! My wallet’s gone!
Woe is me! Woe is I! Woah, I think I caught her eye…
What’s the harm in making one more try?
Well I’ve tried bein’ a nice guy,
Bein’ bad, and bein’ cool,
But the role I’m best at playin’
Has gotta be the damned romantic fool.
Well I keep a few reminders
Of them in my rogue’s gallery.
If I’d a dollar for each trinket
I could pay a politician’s salary.
Woe is me! Woe is I! Woke up, so I didn’t die.
What’s the harm in making one more try?
Well they’ve got these handy programs
Where women on the worldwide web‘ll
Write about how they love laughter,
Tasty food, travel, hiking, and a rebel.
Seems a shame they’d waste their effort
Fielding mail from some desperate guy
When here I am, arms and heart open
And when it ends she’ll never cry.
Woe is me! Woe is I! Woman please just hit “reply.”
What’s the harm in making one more try?
Sure, when all is done and finished
Her ego’s big and mine’s diminished,
But I keep making one more try…
Women Turning Down Dates Be Like…
I wanted to take a moment
To tell you I adore
The way you walk, the way you talk,
The way you smile. What’s more
I wanted to appreciate
How kind you are to me.
Like rain in Spring, new life you bring
To everyone you see!
You’re honest, humble, gentle, strong,
As well as smart and brave.
You’re a man no woman can
Deny she’s always craved.
I think you’re the pinnacle
Of manliness. So there!
But I can’t go to see that show
‘Cause I have to wash my hair.
Filed under Poems
To Serve and Protect…
Women live longer
Than men, this is true,
But how many women
Say “I’d die for you”?
Men on the other hand
Say it a lot,
So men must die younger
‘Cause women are hot.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 