I took a nap and pet a cat
And read a book and brushed a horse
And now I write a poem about that
That’s precisely eight lines long, of course.
Some days you will stress and struggle;
Some days you’ll complain and whine.
Today I smiled and chose to snuggle
A ginger angel, mine all mine.
Filed under Poems
Some people spend their lives
Trying hard to do things right,
Making perfectly circular pizzas
And working through the night.
Other people live their lives
By doing what is fun
Though the pizza ends up looking
Like art the family dog has done.
Perfectionists unite, I say
And make the rocket ships
While the do-it-my-way folks
Make new flavors for the chips.
The harmony is perfect
Though perfectionists will glare
Because the have-some-funners
Smile back without a care.
But if the pizza’s spherical
Instead of round and flat
Take a bite: It tastes all right
And you’re the first to make it that!
Filed under Poems
Today it rained in the morning,
From dawn ‘til the sunset was yella’
And I saw the craziest out-of-town guy
Who for some reason had an umbrella!
Filed under Poems
My nose was all sniffly;
‘Twas spring in the air.
Faster than you say “piffly”
My Kleenex weren’t there.
I went to the store
To pick up some tissue
But they had no more
And THAT was an issue.
So I grabbed my gun
And went off a raidin’
Until my nose’s run
Could be finished abatin’.
I knocked on a door
And they opened it. Fools!
I shrieked “Get on the floor!”
And I searched through their tools…
Screwdrivers, flashlight,
And nails to pound
But try as I might
There were no Kleenex found.
The cops were approaching
I could hear their siren
And I was encroaching
And expect they’d be firin’
So I took the out…
The only one I had:
I scrunched up my snout
And sniffed like my dad.
That day as the bullets
Riddled my body
I learned snot down the gullet
Is what cops think is naughty.
This family-friendly poem was inspired by my beautiful girlfriend and her nose. Blame her, not me.
Filed under Poems
Some art is low, and some is high;
You can judge which this one is:.
There was a smart guy
And this story is his:
He was a smart fellow
And he felt smart
But that isn’t yet the funny part…
See two smart fellows,
They felt smart
And that is just the very start.
Repeat with three, then four smart fellows
‘Til your enunciation mellows
And then… perhaps we’ll see, who knows…
A reason smart fellows can crinkle their nose.
Filed under Poems
I’m writing this poem
As I’m brushing my teeth,
Hunting down food bits
All hidden beneath
The sharp, off-white bone spurs
That jut from my gum.
My teeth are all clean now
But my rhymes are still dumb.
Filed under Poems
I bought a ‘57 Chevy
(Or what’s left of it, at least)
And I fixed it up so I
Could be a sexy beast.
I cruised it up and down the block
To pick up saucy chicks.
Alas, my ‘57 Chevy
Doesn’t hide that I’m 86.
Filed under Poems
My neighbor’s kids are Michael,
Esther, Hannah, Ruth, and Paul
And they don’t think that Bible names
Are old-fashioned at all.
My other neighbor’s children
Are Meshack and Hezekiah
And for some reason no one thought
To even ask them why-uh.
But I follow suit and give
My kid a name of that kind…
But when I called him “Nimrod”
Everybody lost their mind.
Filed under Poems
There once was a film from the past
And people said it was a blast;
Then Hollywood said
“What if instead
“It had an (insert group here) cast?”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 