Imagine for a moment
No one ever spoke again.
You think it would be scary…
Either that or very zen.
The real situation
Is somewhere between the two:
It’s just stomachs imitating
Horny whales saying “Howdy do!”
Category Archives: Poems
Thanks George For Keeping Your Voice At a Reasonable Volume
My roommate eats six jars of peanut butter a month.
His girlfriend does not know what Koolaid is.
I now have proof of how low standards can get
And also of how low the rent I paid is.
Filed under Poems
Guest Poem From An Anonymous World Leader
There was a, um, a a a flower?
And it has, you know, plants,
And some are yellow and some are blue
But that doesn’t change that they’re green
On their, um, stalks or stems or something.
And when I smell them
Wait, they said don’t say smelling…
Flowers are green and and and thank you good morning!
Filed under Poems
Why The Unicorns Left
She grew up in the forest
And learned to talk to trees
By singing with the birds of prey
And dancing with the bees.
She trained to be a hunter
From the day that she was born.
She dreamt she’d be the first to find
The mythic unicorn.
She found black stallions, powerful,
And pegasus in white,
Beasts that pulled the wagon far
And those who bore a knight.
She found horses of the sea
And horses tame and wild,
And yesterday her dream came true
And found it bright and mild:
The unicorn! Resplendent
In shades of gold and blue,
With a horn that shone like rainbows
And eyes of emerald hue.
She gazed upon the creature
And stroked its noble head
Then noticed it was unemployed
And rode a mule instead.
Filed under Poems
Men Made Playthings Because They Weren’t Born With Them
When I win a Nobel prize
For literature someday
And it comes time for me to speak
I know just what I’ll say:
I’ll thank my one Y chromosome,
And the reason that I’m citing
Is if I’d been born with boobs
I’d have never started writing.
Filed under Poems
IT 2021
There once was a bug in my code
And my whole computer it slowed,
But I’ve learned from the biz
To just sell it as is
Then charge more for a fast-working mode.
Filed under Poems
If You Don’t Remember “Hang Up The Phone, I Need To Yahoo Search Something,” You’re Too Young To Get This Poem
One low buzz, eleven beep-boop
Ba-ba-ba beeps
Then six seconds of static
That gives you the creeps,
Then the death metal chorus
Played on a child’s toy
And the internet is yours to use.
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Filed under Poems
Idioms, Like Pubic Hair, Are Better When Short
When life gives you lemons
You make lemonade
Then you give it to children
Who sell it and get paid
Then give you their money
Which your wife will then spend
And life gives you more lemons
And when will it end?
Filed under Poems
Legalize Normalcy
If you call yourself a poet
You’re judged by your degrees,
The person who you voted for,
How often you hug trees,
Whether you can rhyme things
Or use semicolons right
And, most important, whether
You have a penis or are white.
I am not a poet,
Though to you that’s no surprise.
I’d rather sleep in Saturday
Than watch the sun arise.
I do not care for wheelbarrows
On which so much depends.
I’m one of the mere commoners
Whom nobody defends.
I write, not for an audience,
But for the ones like me
Who want to dance the rain away
And feel completely free
But have to read a book about
What things are right to say,
Waiting to dance in private
Once the poets go away.
I feel like a geode,
Full of color, trapped in stone,
But thanks to anonymity
I needn’t be alone.
I can be with all of you
And hold you in my heart
By failing to see beauty
In what poets call their art.
Filed under Poems
Unfair Practice
Back when I was an athlete
In high school, I was late
To almost every practice
Which didn’t turn out great.
Coach made me do pushups,
Which would normally be fair
Except my father was the coach
And he’s the one who drove me there.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 