I don’t call you “sir” ’cause I hate you.
I don’t call you “ma’am” to be a bigot.
I use words 99.4 percent of people
Will prefer to be called. Can you dig it?
Category Archives: Poems
This Gender-Swap BS Is Making Me Thor
When I hear Disney the Almighty
Makes a movie about Aphrodite
And Tom Selleck’s the star
(And it isn’t subpar)
Then I’ll sigh and perhaps say alrighty.”
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If I want to be Samuel L. Jackson
For Halloween, I cannot.
I can’t on the basis
That blackface is racist,
Or at least that is what I was taught.
But when Marvel takes a Norse God
And make him a random white chick
That’s not a slight
‘Cause he’s already white
And why can’t a Norse God lack a dick?
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When someone signals virtue
But obviously have none
Why don’t we call their bluff?
I know I have had enough.
Signed, a white guy with a gun.
Filed under Poems
This Goes For Taxes As Well, Except A Mugger Might Use The Money For Something Valuable
If you get mugged in central park
And think it isn’t fair
Just call it a “mandatory donation
“To ensuring criminal welfare.”
Filed under Poems
This Poem > Green New Deal
Onions are the only things
That make their murderers cry.
We should all wear clothes made of onions
And all murder would go bye-bye.
Filed under Poems
Guess Which One Is Double-Majoring In Sociology?
I said “I’m learning Spanish
“‘Cause I fear soon it will be vital.”
She said “I’m learning Japanese
“To watch anime without subtitles.”
He said “I’m learning German
“Because I hate punctuation.”
Zhe said “I’m learning Gaelic
“Cause I’m a man who wants to experience menstruation.”
Filed under Poems
The Occult Circa 2019
If you give a million tiny dollars
To a your own voodoo doll
Do you get full sized money?
To try, give me a call!
Filed under Poems
My Friday Night
I took me out to a ball game,
Alas, to one with a crowd.
There they sold peanuts and alcohol
‘Cause Cracker Jack’s racist and traditional.
There I learned baseball tactics
And how to play the game right
From a screaming drunk woman
Who looked like a dark alley at night.
“Hit the ball!” Was her opener.
“Throw a strike” later came.
Then was “Make people stop not getting out
“And you’ll win the whole (censored) game!”
It turns out this lady’s cheerleading
Did lead the home team to win
So if you’re still an Orioles fan
Bud Light’s a good place to begin.
Filed under Poems
My Attempt At Humanism Before I Interact With The Public Today
If you weigh 400 pounds
And sit beside me on a plane
I do not hate you as a person
But I still think you’re a pain.
If you say “fuck” like girls say “like”
And I am with my 6-year-old
I do not hate you as a person
But I hope you die before you’re old.
If you blast rap at 1:00 AM
And I wake up for work at 5:00
I do not hate you as a person
But I do wish you were not alive.
If you recast my favorite film
And the final movie turns out bad
I do not hate the cast or crew
But the fact remains I feel sad,
So if my feeling isn’t yours
‘Cause you are you and I am me
It doesn’t mean I hate your guts;
I dislike you with empathy.
Filed under Poems
Twilight: New Orleans
I said “see you later alligator,”
And flashed her my most dazzling smile.
We never had a second date
‘Cause apparently she was team crocodile.
Filed under Poems
When You Spend Mauritanian Money To Play A Gregorian Cadence On A Welsh Instrument (And No One Will Play Board Games With You Anymore)
I spent lots of oguiya
To buy a crwths
So I could perform a euouae.
If you think this is nonsense
But I know better…
I’ve read the Scrabble dictionary. Hooray!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 