She asked me for a diamond necklace.
I gave her a diamond whose shoulders touch its head.
She asked me for a diamond necklace
But I gave her a diamond neckless instead.
Category Archives: Poems
When Parents Use Your Full Name
I was not prepared
For how badly I’d be scared
When mom called “a^2 + 2ab
“+b^2, come here to me.”
FYI, my name’s (a+b)^2
Filed under Poems
Batman Problems
Dick and Bruce went on a trip.
Dick asked “want to play Battleship?”
Bruce said “Sure, I want to play,
“But what’s a tleship anyway?”
Filed under Poems
Better Than A Polygraph
They say you can spot a killer
Or persons of criminal ilk
By offering them cocoa puffs.
(Run if they pour out the milk).
Filed under Poems
Trouble In Baltimore
My child asked me this morning
“If hitting is bad,
“How come people hit baseballs?”
Then he flew away.
I later discovered
He was not my child at all.
It was an oriole in disguise.
His sudden aversion to hitting
Makes sense now.
Filed under Poems
College
I am a man who likes the curves
On my preferred Madames,
But better still is having curves
On my final exams.
Filed under Poems
When The Dragon Finally Wins
Where once there was a chosen one
There stands the lovely fool,
A hero who can’t distinguish
The prison from his school.
The chosen of the dragon and
The savior of the mass
Who once was slaying goblins now
Must take his english class.
The heroes, rogues, magi, and bards,
Barbarians and knights
Have no hydras to vanquish, thus
They learn the Bill of Rights.
What was a land of magic, full
Of ogres, orcs, and elves
Becomes a land where they must slay
The voices in themselves,
The ones that say “You are worthy,
“You are, by nature, fair.”
Teacher says “Slay those parasites,”
Preaching how not to care.
Though no fantastic heroes live
Today, perhaps they can;
There is a dragon, as yet unslain,
Whose form we call “The Man.”
We have the weapons, we have the words,
To fight on, brave and true.
Think for yourself and find your way
To start the tale anew.
Filed under Poems
If They Spot An Oddity They’ll Start Feeling Audity And You’ll Be An Auditee
Thanks for calling IRS
We’re pleased to take your call.
We’ll be with you shortly
In almost no time at all.
Today’s call volume’s low
So you’ll likely only wait
Until the next December
Or the climax of your fate.
In the meantime please relax
And find something to do.
Our agents are quite busy
Making life feel hard for you.
We would like to help you
And help we probably could
But, by law, we are forbidden
To do anything good.
We know you are unhappy
And we know we’ve caused you stress.
Here’s some tax-funded Muzak.
Thanks for calling IRS.
Filed under Poems
Italian For Travelers
If you want to speak Italian
Your posture is important.
Here is how you need to hold your body:
Start by touching all your fingers
To the thumb on that same hand
Then put your hand up in the air and shout “Bugatti!”
Now imitate this gesture
And speak your native language.
I hope this poem has taught you a lotti!
Filed under Poems
Life’s Hard Questions
If you gave a guy from Zimbabwe
A billion dollars cash
He could buy a whole lot of cattle
And a man with a lot of cattle is rich,
But if you give an American guy
A billion dollars worth of cattle
He can send his enemies cow poop
For the rest of his life,
So who’s the real winner?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 