Tag Archives: America

September 7, 2018 · 12:05 pm

Poems So Dark They Probably Stole Your Bike

If a child can decide to be

A gender they weren’t born,

Can know their sexual preferences

Then, honestly, I’m torn…

I think that future pedophiles

In elementary school

Might worry about fitting in

(And I don’t mean being cool).

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I once dated a Japanese girl.

When we broke up I tried to be nice.

She didn’t understand the first time

So I had to drop the bomb twice.

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I asked a guy in a wheelchair

“Who’s your favorite actor.”

The guy replied “Christopher Reeve.”

He asked me “Who’s yours?”

I said “Christopher Walken,”

And then the guy asked me to leave.

——————————————————–

One more joke for this morning,

And this one’s as good as it gets:

Who are Iraq’s athletic heroes?

That would be the ’01 New York Jets.

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September 6, 2018 · 9:15 am

Sarsaparilla Is Southern After All…

I opened a bottle of root beer

And smiled at the sweetness and fizz.

You probably don’t think that sounds racist

But I’m white, so it probably is.

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September 2, 2018 · 12:11 pm

When You Can Watch Something Other Than Baseball And Golf Again

‘Twas the week before football

And all through the States

Everyone outside Boston

Came to terms with their fates.

So many Don’taes,

Tyrones, and Lamars

Checked if Wendy’s needed

Someone who could lift cars.

Meanwhile those lucky

To remain on their teams

Prayed the ACL gods

Would not ruin their dreams.

The fans were all cozy

Wrapped up on their couches

While the TV says who’ll be

The sleepers and slouches.

And a tenth of a billion

Mostly female folks

Didn’t see the appeal

Of tackling blokes,

Yet still two-hundred-million

Pulled on overpriced shirts

With the last name of someone

Whose whole body hurts.

They’ll sit back to watch

As the combat begins.

They’ll be happy as long

As their animal wins.

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August 21, 2018 · 12:38 pm

Someone In Delaware, Get On This Please!

As Uber and Lyft are to taxis,

As AirB&B is to lodging

We need a low-cost solution

To enable the art of tax-dodging.

Uber and Lyft are slang and misspellings.

AirB&B is the service plus “air.”

I suggest “AirTyght” for our no-tax service

And if you disagree I don’t care.

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August 17, 2018 · 11:37 am

Yep, Still Single…

Cancer is better than feminists.

Of this I am convinced.

I know people who beat cancer

And haven’t heard from it since.

But fate is not so happy

For those who’ve contracted feminism

For between them and common sense

Is a nigh-incurable schism.

Cancer kills quickly and painfully.

Feminism’s mostly the same

Except it lacks social stigma

And casts a whole lot more blame.

Feminists ask for equality

While cancer makes all of us equal.

Cancer terminates us while feminism

Makes an all-female terminator sequel.

And if you find you’re a feminist

Whether long-term or out of the blue

You have to live with yourself. With cancer

That’s something you don’t have to do.

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July 31, 2018 · 8:30 am

Seven Crappy Little Poems I Wrote At 11:48 Last Night

Confederate Secrets

A lot of slaves were literate

Or so I’ve been told.

I wonder if they ever read

“Chicken Soup for the Sold?”

America’s Digital Security

Obama’s password:

PASSORD

Note: No “W”

Our Beloved President

Since I have a Lamborghini

They don’t care that my dick’s teeny.

Facebook

I like… like “like-like…”

Liking, like, likes I, like, like.

You’re, like, welcome. lol

Christian Bakeries

I was going to buy a baguette

But they thought I was a faggot.

Nothing awful happened though.

They kept their bread. I kept my dough.

Technically Accurate…

If you like corn on the cob

There’s a very small chance you’re part of the mob.

Hell

If you want a drink in Hell

You’ll find you have to go

To that one drinking fountain

With the insufficient flow,

And French-kiss the rusty spigot

That’s soaking wet with drool.

Satan got the idea

From your local middle school.

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July 12, 2018 · 11:06 am

Trigger Warning: This Poem Contains Thought Crime

You say I have privilege

Because I’m male and white.

You call me uninformed

Because I don’t think you’re right.

You can have my privilege too.

All you must do to try it

Is to move out of the cities

Where “recreation” means “to riot.”

You can disagree with me

While you drink another beer

Thanks to taxes paid by this poet

Making 4-figures a year.

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July 3, 2018 · 12:37 pm

The Analogy Is Actually Kinda Perfect

America is like Halo:

It started out with violence

And an independent spirit

Fighting an immortal empire

Who knew well that we’d fear it.

Then the beloved sequel came

And we gave up the slaves we stole,

Fought a battle on both sides

To forge our true united soul.

Then came history’s “Halo 3”

Which was forgettable all in all,

Clearly not its glorious peak

But it hadn’t hit the wall.

When the Vietnam years came

Thus started Halo 4

Where we spat on our own soldiers

Drafted into pointless war.

Now here we are in Halo 5

Where profit is the king,

Equality is an afterthought

And everything’s covered in bling.

We who love the franchise past,

The Halo 1’s and 2’s

Who love America in spirit

Not America in the news

Look hopefully at the future

While feeling kind of vexed

Wondering what the powers that be

Will inevitably screw up next.

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July 1, 2018 · 7:21 am

I Guess This Makes Me A Bigot, Right?

Go back a century or so

And you’ve got places blacks can’t go.

You’d be shamed to dare to love

A person from a class above.

Today my alma maters wants

To build us “No white student” haunts

And though we seek to seem the same

What’s “Commonplace” is seen as lame.

Back then we fought for equal rights

For blacks and browns and reds and whites.

Now in our “That’s racist” nation

We praise illegal immigration.

Does no one else yet see the flaw

In praising those who break the law,

The symptoms of a dying nation

Shouting for resegregation?

Yes, I want love, so please desist

With calling me “Supremacist”

And maybe past our skin we’ll find

We share a human heart and mind.

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June 30, 2018 · 1:56 pm

Peasant Problems

They told me to lift dumbbells

‘Cause my arms were far too thin.

I couldn’t check if they were right

‘Cause Congress wouldn’t let me in.

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