Jen lost ten pounds through exercise.
Steve lost twenty by changing his diet.
I lost sixty pounds when my tapeworm came out
But Jen and Steve are too chicken to try it.
Tag Archives: Black Humor
Careful Where You Hang Your Hat
Some friends and I were mucking about
The attic when we found
And old top hat with a label that
Said “This makes men dance around.”
So we rolled some snowballs up
And made a face of carrot and coal
And we plopped that cap on the snowy chap
And pretended he had a soul.
Alas, for us, the sun was hot
And dancers tend to sweat
So when the day had gone away
That magic hat was wet,
So we hung it by the fire
Atop Grandpa’s antique poker…
So yes officer, that’s what did this to her.
‘Twas Frosty’s spirit that done broke ‘er!
Filed under Poems
Midweek Passion
Baby, when I look at you
All sexy Thursday night
I think of how you’d look if you
Would move towards the right
And stand beside the TV screen
All cute. I want to cheer
‘Cause I can watch the game again.
Oh hey, grab me a beer!
Christmas Music After They Take Jesus Out
You know Penis and Meatstick, Schlong, Dong, and ManPalace,
Manparts, “The Ramparts,” and Weiner and Phallus,
But do you recall
The most famous Mickey of all?
Mickey the big-dick Reindeer
Had a very shiny body part
And if you go deep enough on Google
You can probably find fan art. (Please don’t try this!)
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh, except the does.
They just avoided contact
To not be labelled ho-ho-hoes.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say…
“Mickey, the elves started an insurrection.
I have need of your balls and weighty erection.”
Then how the laughter halted
As they watched the rebels flee.
“We’re sorry for feeling threatened
By your girthy masculinity!”
What New Devilry Is This?
Somewhere down in baby hell
Are Lucifer and Baphomet,
Asmodeus, Apollyon,
Satan, and Adramalech
All laughing at demonic stuff
But here’s the evil rub:
There’s a new kid in the devil school.
His name’s Beelzebub.
His family comes from South Missouri
And his dad’s name was Cletus
And he’d been groomed for devilhood
Since he was a fetus.
The devils might have picked on him
‘Til he was a broken husk
But then a savior came along:
A baby devil named by Elon Musk.
Filed under Poems
That Went Whale…
There once was a lovely young seal
Who captured my sea-mammal heart.
She had an adorable squeal
That made all my fantasies start.
I asked her to go for a drink with me
At a hip new place called “Chez Rubbing”.
But I scared her away. I’d forgotten
That seal babes aren’t fans of clubbing.
Filed under Poems
A Depends-able Workers
My boss said I’m incompetent
Because I visit the bathroom a lot.
Then I developed incontinence
And now visit that room I do not.
Filed under Poems
Divorce, The Old-Fashioned Way
If I had a hundred camels
And a thousand mules
I could buy your daughter’s love
‘Cause those are the nuptial rules.
But you’d demand a thousand camels
And diamonds by the sack
If I got to know your daughter
And wanted to give her back.
Filed under Poems
Just Wait ‘Til He Learns They Eat Cat In China
Jared was a little dude
From Syracuse, New York
Who used to think his favorite meat
Was barbecue pulled pork.
Then he came upon a crowd
Of masturbating cattle
And now he says Beef strokin’ off
Has won the “best meat” battle.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 