“Pusillanimous”
Was how I described my date.
I did not get laid.
Tag Archives: Dating
Plenty of Fish
He stood on the granite cliff
Screaming hoarsely
Over the roaring black ocean.
From one of the shores beyond
An echo returned to him:
“Citygal17498 has blocked you.”
But mostly there was silence.
Filed under Poems
Maybe It Tasted Good A Few Years Ago?
I want a sandwich
With clams, beets, and garlic
Sprinkled with liver and thyme
Topped with two scoops
Of pistachio ice cream
And the zest of a two-week-old lime
All smeared on a loaf
Of gluten-free flatbread
Served on a hard rubber plate.
You get it when you order
A nice BLT.
I call it “The Internet Date.”
Filed under Poems
She’s Lying…
Everything’s fine.
I won’t get mad.
I don’t care about your exes.
I’m almost ready.
I’ll call you right back.
I don’t mind you buying that Lexus.
I really don’t care.
I really don’t mind.
I really (insert anything here).
No, I’m not jealous
And if we get married
I’ll never make you watch Shakespeare.
Filed under Poems
The Answer, At Last!
All the single ladies
Ask where all the good men went,
Dreaming of the good old days
When the six-foot-plus millionaires
Without egos or exes
Would contact them conveniently
And buy them stuff
All without leaving the house.
Meanwhile the six-foot-plus
Drama-free millionaires
Are in their basements
Roleplaying car thieves
And writing bad poetry blogs.
You’re welcome.
Filed under Poems
The Solvers and The Havers
Most men enjoy solving problems;
It gives them a meaningful life.
Alas, this is not something wanted
By most men’s eventual wife.
A man will fix up an auto,
A house, a business, a toy,
But it’s not solving problems but having them
That I’ve noticed most women enjoy.
A woman takes pleasure in saying
“I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m gross,”
Because other women say “me too”
And by such connection grow close.
If a man tells another “I’m hungry”
Another will say “have a snack”
And the problem is solved with five words
And the men to their task may go back.
Now the trouble occurs when the solvers
Treat problem-lovers the same:
A woman says “I’m bored,” and the man
Says “go play a video game.”
Now if the woman obeys him
She’ll prob’ly no longer be bored
And thus need another discomfort
Until her drama-quota’s restored,
So the man has given a solution
Which really won’t help her a bit
So she says “you don’t understand me!”
And runs off and calls him a git.
The man is confused by her answer
But has a solution to that:
He says to himself “bitch be crazy”
And then changes the sink in his flat.
So men, if you want to help women
Be happy then here’s what to do:
Have lots of flaws in your character
So she’ll always have drama with you.
And women, you know how to please a man
And don’t need advising from me,
But (as a man I must say this)
Without drama how happy you’ll be!
Filed under Poems
And I Realize I Should Have Forwarded Those Chain Emails After All
I stand atop the rocky cliff
Above the salty ocean blue
And shout to myself “how lovely
“And beautiful are you!”
I stand atop the rocky shore
Above the crashing waves below
And my echo calls back softly
“Whoa now! Let’s take this slow.”
Filed under Poems
Hey Girl! Check Out My MPGs
I’m the Rolls Royce of romance,
The Lamborghini of love,
The Audi of ardor
And the driver thereof.
I’m a Bentley of bravery.
You’re a Cadillac cutie.
Alas I’m the Smart Car
Of wealth, status, and beauty.
Filed under Poems
Never Date A “Journalist”
I said “I can’t go dancing
Because of Plantar’s Fasciitis.”
She said “isn’t that when gardeners
Vote for Trump just to spite us?”
I laughed a bit too much I guess.
I thought it was just banter.
Now I’m mocked on Buzzfeed
For being a fascist planter.
Filed under Poems
She’s Not Worth It
A girl whom I admire
Asked me “do you want to go
“To an all-inclusive, safe-space
“Fair-trade, vegan comedy show?”
She said, if not, I could suggest
Something I think’s more fun
Which is why this weekend
I got a colonoscopy done.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 