I got a cool sword for Christmas
But the idiot at the store
Wrapped it in 100 feet of wrapping paper
And I cannot fathom what for.
Tag Archives: Happy
Normalcy Is Overrated
If you eat noodles with a knife
I bet you probably love your life.
If your best friend is a cat
Your probably satisfied with that.
If your name starts with a Z
You’re already cooler than me.
What makes you weird’s what makes you you
So unto your weird self be true.
Filed under Poems
My Little Fountain
I have a fountain in my yard.
It doesn’t fountain very hard,
Just drips and drips onto a spot
And fills my hose when the weather’s hot.
Some may say that it’s a tap
But I think that’s a load of crap.
If soda and drinking fountains count
Then mine’s a fountain too by my account.
I’m proud of my little drippy fountain.
For it I’d move many a mountain
For when I’m a sweaty yard-working man
I drink from it just ‘cause I can.
Filed under Poems
Smoothies
Whenever I start hating humans
I remember that someone created
A cup that spins knives in the bottom
That cut food as its electrically gyrated
And it makes a smooth mixture of flavors
From fruits, sugar, protein, et cetera.
Sure, some people still put veggies in
But it still makes you feel better, huh?
Filed under Poems
Be Me, A 30-Year-Old Child
Wrapping paper tube
In my mind a light saber
Wife is not impressed
Filed under Poems
Heroes
There’s a man I admire. He’s a rock star
And his lyrics have changed my life.
He accompanied me from a basement alone
To a home with my wonderful wife.
He told me his son has a hero
And it isn’t the guy that you think,
Not the man who’s inspiring millions
But the guy who fixed up the sink.
I’m content now to not be a rockstar,
To embrace all the skills I don’t see
Because somewhere a hero is watching
And perhaps is inspired by me.
I’ll endeavor to be the example
Of the way I think normal should go.
We can all be a hero to someone
Even if it’s someone we don’t know.
Filed under Poems
When The Kamala Voters Go On a “Sex Strike”
The Donald got elected
And that makes me so depressed
‘Cause now I can’t go out at night
Wearing my Sunday best
To hit on green-haired feminists
Who think that I am Satan.
Oh well, I have my freedom
And more time for masturbatin’.
Filed under Poems
Privilege
To be born at disadvantage
Is a blessing many lack,
For the many born with health or wealth
Will each forever lack
The chance to earn their happiness
Through overcoming trials.
They’ll only know resenment
In their peers’ flattering smiles.
But those who overcome their birth
Achieve both admiration
And strength of will and character
From their determination.
Why would you trade your only chance
At your heroic rise
For merely money undeserved
From people you despise?
Why not become the person
Who you worshipped as a child?
If you reject the spice of life
Your pleasures will be mild.
Instead of playing victim
In your one and only shot
Recast yourself as victor
And pursue the life you’ve got.
Filed under Poems
There Once Was A Person From Right Here…
Tonight we play D&D
And pretend to not be me
And instead be a wizard
Who’s also a lizard
And does not write bad poetry.
Filed under Poems
Seriously Though!
Instead of advertisements
That interrupt your day
I think we should have achievements
That say to you “Hooray!
“You did a thing that worked
“And your team from [insert brand]
“Reminds you that you’re awesome
“And we’re giving you a hand!”
If a business did this
I would probably buy their stuff.
Instead, we’re scared or guilted
Into brands by a digital bluff.
So if you are a corporation
(‘Cause corporations are people too)
And you read this far, I hope that
You’ll do what you need to do.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 