If a tree falls in the forest
And no one’s around to see
Will the Packers still pass on receivers
In 2023?
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck wouldn’t chuck…
Perhaps he even couldn’t chuck…
Since Russell Woodchuck still sucks. Good.
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Legend speaks of manticores
With the heads of a lion, an eagle, and goat.
Normally you’d be scared of the lion head
But that’s ‘cause the eagles don’t gloat.
Filed under Poems
There once was a guy who made gizmos.
It cost him a dollar for three,
And he sold them to shops for a dollar a piece
Which seems okay so far to me.
The shop where they resold the gizmos
Put the price tag as $2.99
But they were always on sale for $2.50
Which still isn’t crossing the line.
So you pay your five bucks for two gizmos
But the government steps in to say
“A five-dollar price is all very nice
“But $5.25’s what you must pay.”
So you fish out a quarter to augment
The price of the gizmos you bought
But found that the cash in your pocket
Was less than initially thought
Because for each dollar of paycheck
A dime and a quarter were taken
To pay for the people who make up the rules
That say “Taxes are good, you’re mistaken.”
So that’s why when I shop for gizmos
I go to the maker and say
“Here’s a buck for your thirty-cent gizmo”
And we smile and go on our way.
Filed under Poems
There once was a sinister plot
Much worse than you ever thought…
It involved mind control
And a dark, moonlit stroll.
Now tell: are you worried or not?
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There once was the snazziest plan;
Make it seem just as cool as you can!
Sure, there’s thinking involved…
But the problems it’s solved!
I love me some sugar pills, man!
Filed under Poems
I’m still sick after 96 hours,
Plentiful pills, and hot, steamy showers.
I feel lousy, and still poems I write
So give me some pity likes! And with that, good night.
Filed under Poems
Some friends and I were mucking about
The attic when we found
And old top hat with a label that
Said “This makes men dance around.”
So we rolled some snowballs up
And made a face of carrot and coal
And we plopped that cap on the snowy chap
And pretended he had a soul.
Alas, for us, the sun was hot
And dancers tend to sweat
So when the day had gone away
That magic hat was wet,
So we hung it by the fire
Atop Grandpa’s antique poker…
So yes officer, that’s what did this to her.
‘Twas Frosty’s spirit that done broke ‘er!
Filed under Poems
There once was a five paragraph essay
That had one compelling thing to say
Then repeated that message
Twice, then thrice for to stressage
That there once was a five paragraph essay.
Filed under Poems
There once was a man from Humptulips
Who worked in a restaurant for a few tips.
He made decent money
But mostly it’s just funny
That there’s an actual town called Humptulips.
Filed under Poems
I am sick tonight
Full of aches and pains and snot…
But the bat tastes good!
Filed under Poems
My man bought a Tesla
Which would normally be fun
But it came with a purse
And his hair’s now a bun.
I told him I liked him
Because he was manly.
Now he’s leaving me
For his old roommate, Stanley.
Filed under Poems
I think it would be fun
If they made a new Jumanji movie
But it was a free-to-play mobile Jumanji
And they spent all five hours of the movie
Grinding for Jumanjewels
Before they gave up and decided
The old, murdery Jumanji
Wasn’t that bad after all…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 