There once was a movie
That featured a fart
And, in children, it inspired laughter.
And so it was decreed
That fart jokes were a need
In all movies for children thereafter.
Tag Archives: Life
First, Do No Harm
Today I’ve done nothing
But sit on my butt.
I woke up, closed the blinds,
Checked the door (locked and shut)
Then reveled for hours
Of sedentary bliss
Never once caring
About what I might miss.
And as nothing happened
For a fair bit of time
I had no new ideas
And committed no crime,
Consumed no nutrition
And didn’t make noise,
And somehow refrained
From molesting young boys.
I didn’t feel sadness,
Nor did I have fun
So for sunday the score is:
Catholics: 0, Poet: 1
Filed under Poems
The Second-Greatest Invention Of All Time Was A Cutting Device
The greatest invention of all time
Was the invention of paper
Not because it simplified written language
Or made knowledge portable,
But because it drastically reduced the number of ties
In the popular game of “Rock.”
Filed under Poems
In Other Words, Nothing Alike
Life is like a romantic comedy
Except there’s more than one fat person in the world
And nobody finds love in an airport.
Filed under Poems
Goliath Is Overrated
What if you were the Ocean,
The giver of life?
The sun in the sky,
The opponent of strife?
How ’bout Abraham Lincoln,
The breaker of chains,
Or the guy who made aspirin,
Reliever of pain?
If you were a titan,
A hero to all
Would you waste your own life
‘Cause today you feel small?
So why open that bottle
Or play Russian Roulette
Just ’cause your inner titan
Hasn’t changed the world yet?
And if, on the off chance
You’re the non-titan type
You still have good reasons
To live without gripe:
Many a diamond
Began life as mere coal
And the smallest of molehills
Means the world to its mole.
Every flower must bloom,
Every river must flow.
It takes millions of light years
To see a star’s glow,
And your non-titan life
Is a life nonetheless.
Whose molehill will you be?
That’s anyone’s guess.
Filed under Poems
Another Once-Great Species Ruined
There once was an African lion
Who was handsome and noble and clever.
He wanted his head to be put on a wall
So he could be admired forever.
Alas, some American vegans
Made a law that to hunt him was banned
So know he stays home in the evenings
And watches MGM films on demand.
Filed under Poems
The Victors
You see the victors on parade,
Their smiles of sweet relief.
You hear their proffered words of thanks
For the ending of their grief.
But what they do not realize
Through their newfound lack of pain
Is that to stay victorious
They’ll have to win again.
They’ll have to reface challenges.
They’ll have to reforge swords,
Reconquer their old demons
And rechallenge hated hoards.
They’ll have to suffer all again
And all this not to grow
But just to stay a victor:
And maintain the status quo.
Yes we conquered those we feared
And silenced those we hate,
But should we take such lavish pride
In merely stalemate?
So watch the victors on parade
But envy them do not!
You would not wish on anyone
The pain the victors brought
Nor would you wisely wish to feel
Their pride in wielding well
The arms and armor of the war
That merged the Earth and Hell.
One day we’ll see no victory,
No men will march with pride.
We will erect no monuments
For those who bravely died.
We’ll stand without a trophy
And we’ll not conceal our grins
For all will be the victors
Come the day when no one wins.
Filed under Poems
Ancient Wisdom
“Let he who is without fault
Cast the first stone.”
-Ye Olde Baseball for Beginners
“Just because my path is different
“Doesn’t mean I’m lost.”
-Traditional Male Excuse
“Even though I walk
“Through the darkest valley
“I will fear no evil
“For you are with me.”
-Man With Concealed Handgun License
“Faith can move mountains.”
-Faith’s Lazy Little Brother
“There’s something about a woman
“With a loud mind
“Who sits in silence, smiling
“Knowing she can crush you
“With the truth.”
-Some hoe, probably
Filed under Uncategorized
Things No One Has Ever Said In The History Of Everything
“My wife needs more pillows.”
“That mullet looks great!”
“Soccer’s exciting.”
“The world needs more hate.”
“Pink armpit hair’s hot.”
“I got a job with my arts degree.”
“I wish that I had gotten caught.”
“I really, super don’t have to pee.”
“I really hate inner tubes.”
“That was a great United flight.”
“She’d look better with smaller boobs.”
“The valedictorian’s getting laid tonight!”
Filed under Poems
Size Matters
Bigger is better in terms of pianos,
4×4’s, salaries, and dicks.
But smaller is better in the eyes of go-getters
When it comes to the waist size of chicks.
——————————————————–
Bigger is better, the man would insist
When it comes to masculine stuff
Because those said men have never had things
That were, in our eyes, big enough.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 