Of all the films that ever ended
Then were released in versions extended
The biggest scene these films still lack
Is the pivotal part in “The Empire Strikes Back”
Where Steve, the Bespin cleaning guy
Who fixes the vents of the city in the sky
Sees a disembodied hand somewhere
And decides “Eh, whatever. I don’t care.”
Moments later Steve just laughed
When he saw Luke fall down the bottomless shaft
Then picked up his check from Mr. Vader
And went back home to his giant crater.
Filed under Poems
There once was a cat of Schrodinger
Who wanted to give science the finger.
He said “I will stay
“And also walk away.”
Thus he simultaneously did and did not linger.
Filed under Poems
Their wonce was amen from Bolder
Hoo new mai dotter end tolled hurr
“Eye a door ewe, Amanda
“‘Cause u un-derstanneduh
“Spelling sin the I of de beholdre.”
Filed under Poems
A friend texted me the word “Nose”
Then: “I wrote the word nose with my nose.”
A second friend texted “Toes”
And I think you see where this eventually goes…
They wrote “Penis”, “Dolphin”, “Rose”
And I knew it was hard to one-up those
Thus my search for “The blood of America’s foes:
“Enough to fill a fireman’s hose.”
Filed under Poems
I kept climbing mountains
Even after I went blind.
Sure, the view was nothing much
But now instead I find
The mountain tells me stories
That I can read in braille.
Sure, they can be predictable
But they have such great detail!
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Sometimes when you look at me
Wide-eyed, uncertain,
The endless doubt and weariness fade
And I hold your hand softly
And kiss you gently;
My whole ego becomes weightless
And I know that I have you
And I don’t deserve you
And I would die a thousand times
To be with you just an hour more.
Sometimes when you look at me
Silently, deeply,
I know exactly how your heart
Is full of warm Summer breezes
And hibernating mammals
Warm in each others’ embrace
Beneath a cold, uncaring world.
Sometimes when you look at me
Gently, longingly,
I wonder how on earth
A stacked team like Rams
Can lose to the freakin’ 49ers in primetime;
Then I try to look at your tits
Without you noticing.
I can’t.
This is what it means to be a man.
Filed under Poems
A haiku has five
Syllables, and then seven
On the second line
According to a
Study by Milner and Stein
In 2005.
They discovered that
The five-seven-five pattern
Was correlated
With most old haiku.
That means haiku have three lines.
Polysyllabic.
This correlation
Was confirmed by researchers
Who can count numbers.
To learn more, check out
My works cited I stole from
Wikipedia.
Filed under Poems
The people aboard
The Titanic never heard
“Nah babe, just the tip.”
Filed under Poems
I think the biggest reason
Why the term “minion” exists
Is because all the female henchmen
Continually insist
That “henchman” is a sexist term
And they should be called “henchperson”
And the trust relationship
With their villain starts to worsen.
To avoid such conflicts
The term “minion” is used instead…
Until the feminists learn “minion” means “cute”
And say “Call us ‘persons of evil’ instead.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 