I’m often accused of “mansplaining”
When what I teach just isn’t landing.
But never once have I met a woman
Who I accused of womanunderstanding.
So why do we assume that men are spreaders
And not that chicks on buses seem to shrink?
I await answers with manticipation
‘Cause I’m curious to know what women think.
Filed under Poems
There once was a movie
That featured a fart
And, in children, it inspired laughter.
And so it was decreed
That fart jokes were a need
In all movies for children thereafter.
Filed under Poems
I was a brick wall. So secure
There was nothing I could not endure,
Yet, while I’m safe in a fire
She wanted barbed wire
‘Cause “Barbed Wire is hotter for sure.”
Filed under Poems
Today I’ve done nothing
But sit on my butt.
I woke up, closed the blinds,
Checked the door (locked and shut)
Then reveled for hours
Of sedentary bliss
Never once caring
About what I might miss.
And as nothing happened
For a fair bit of time
I had no new ideas
And committed no crime,
Consumed no nutrition
And didn’t make noise,
And somehow refrained
From molesting young boys.
I didn’t feel sadness,
Nor did I have fun
So for sunday the score is:
Catholics: 0, Poet: 1
Filed under Poems
The greatest invention of all time
Was the invention of paper
Not because it simplified written language
Or made knowledge portable,
But because it drastically reduced the number of ties
In the popular game of “Rock.”
Filed under Poems
The french-fried potatoes
That I bought from Wendy’s
Are covered in tattoos
And wear pants around their knees,
They complain about white privilege
And say “sup” instead of “hey.”
That’s when I remembered
That today is black fry day.
Today’s the day we give our thanks
To those who made the lending banks
Who’ll help us spend the day to come
By buying stuff until we’re numb.
We’ll also eat some spuds and birds
As we exchange our thankful words,
Then look outside and see the sweet
Bright lights of Christmas across the street.
Filed under Poems
If I were a flamingo, um…
You wouldn’t be reading this poem.
If I were a beaver
You wouldn’t be reading it either.
If I were a yak
You’d have the last 10 seconds back.
But alas I am a human
So if you want to sue me, you can.
Filed under Poems
I walk in the white flower garden,
One block of peace
In a mountain of steel,
Glass, smoke, and grease.
The flowers have tattooed
Their white petals brown,
Exposed their stems
For a night on the town.
They speak of old flowers
Who once shared their bed,
How far their particular
Pollen has spread.
You can watch how they wilt
While they boast that they thrive
And you wonder why bees
Opt to stay in the hive.
Filed under Poems
The animal lovers called it
“A barbaric dog fighting cabal.”
I called it “Well meaning people
“Who haven’t discovered Pokemon Go.”
Take that vegans!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 