If I were a Pokemon
I’d want to be Crabominable
Because no one would enslave me
And fight in a manner intolerable.
Yes, ugliness has benefits
When avoiding death is your aim.
And for you ’90s kids who say its fake:
You should play a more recent game.
Filed under Poems
Today we thank our mothers,
The reason we’re alive,
The commuter jets of fetuses
That ensured to life we’d arrive.
And after our delivery
Their labors didn’t stop;
Our every cry reminded them
Of a long-ago hop-on-Pop.
They spent many sleepless hours
Changing diapers, wiping tears,
Just for us to becomes teenagers
All full of angst and sneers.
But two moms we thank today
Whose children are divine.
One is the virgin Mary
And the other mom is mine.
Filed under Poems
I sit here at the bus stop
Reading Fifty Shades of Grey
(Which I got at the library
‘Cause for that crap I won’t pay)
And as I skim from the intro
Until the final line
I see one quite clear shade
But where’s the other forty-nine?
Filed under Poems
Many kids found Waldo
When themselves were kids.
They found Waldo in a crowd
‘Cause that’s just what they did.
Some grown-ups still have Waldo
Waiting on their shelf,
But how many people thought
To help poor Waldo find himself?
Filed under Poems
If you, dear reader, aren’t aware
Of government surveillance
Then you really ought to know
That the FBI
and CIA
Have a list of words like so:
If you write gun
Or bomb or kill
Or terrorism in an email
You’ll be on
Their list to watch
Whether or not you’re female.
If you write
Assassinate,
Anarchy, or Iran
Then your social media page
Will probably get a scan.
I tell you of
This fact because
My blog needs to get more views.
You’ll know if it
Worked out okay
When my arrest is on the news.
Filed under Poems
Men are from Mars.
Women are from Venus.
You can’t be happy
Without a hap-piness.
Filed under Poems
All around me I see boring artwork
I hear songs and and poems I despise,
Read novels with no satisfying endings
And look at them through someone else’s eyes,
Thus what once seemed like a bunch of rubbish
From the perspective of the makers, though they’re dopes,
I know as long as we are free to make this sort of crap
We’re free from those who’d seek to crush our hopes.
So if you feel tired of the daily,
The regular routine has got you down,
Why not draw a purple line on canvas
And sell it to a bank somewhere in town?
Filed under Poems
I imagine if you walked around
Just licking random people
They’d probably throw you in jail.
However, I lack the desire
To test the hypothesis.
I also lack money for bail.
People say that music
Is the worst it’s ever been.
I disagree because of one song
Written by Herr Beethoven.
If you take his fifth symphony
(That goes Da-da-da duuuuuuuh)
And simply give it the lyrics
“Oh baby yeah, oh baby uhhh!”
It becomes a pop hit
To match the best today.
Here’s a link to prove it.
You’re welcome, by the way.
Helpful hint: Just sing those two lyrics with the melody for about twenty seconds and you’ll get the intended effect.
Filed under Poems
If I had my own country…
Let’s call it Placelandia…
I know exactly
The flag I’d want.
It would be all white
But with black letters
That said “Placelandia”
In the biggest possible font.
I think Placelandia
Would be kinda okay
And help elementary school kids
Get, in geography, an A.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 