Back when I was an athlete
In high school, I was late
To almost every practice
Which didn’t turn out great.
Coach made me do pushups,
Which would normally be fair
Except my father was the coach
And he’s the one who drove me there.
Tag Archives: Sports
Better Than Anything Else On TV
Honestly, the most American sport
That no one’s thought of yet
Would have to be drunk NASCAR
(Or its equivalent)
Where the racers have to drink
A bunch if whiskey sours
Until they cannot walk, and then
Turn left for several hours.
It’s a last-man-standing race
That proves, HD and live,
That it is not a good idea
For one to drink and drive,
And yet some kids will spend their lives
Trying to be a pro.
Years later, in Utopia,
We’ll ask, “Where’d the dummies go?”
Filed under Poems
Guest Poem from Al Bundy
If marriage were like football
There would be no single men.
Every year they’d scout for wives
And draft a girl or ten
Then sign them to a contract
For a couple wondrous years
And give them shirts with numbers
And use them to sell beers.
We’d all have favorite teams of wives
Like the Ashleys or the Sophies
Who live in different cities
And try to win us trophies,
And when the best turn 40
(Or sometimes just 34)
We’d trade them off to other teams
And draft a dozen more.
If marriage were like football
Maybe life would be ok,
But instead it seems to be more like
The WNBA.
Filed under Poems
Some People Get Paid Millions For This…
If you have a friend who is male
Here’s a game that will never get stale:
Find a sports team or three,
Guess who’ll win, disagree…
You’ll be right half the time without fail!
Filed under Poems
If You Sell Love to Haters, Don’t Ask Why No One Is Buying
To those who make their homes beneath rocks
I offer this poetic plea
Regarding demonstrations by civilians and jocks
With the hopes you will listen to me.
Yes, it’s important all people are equals
And treated with love and respect.
Yes, there’s been push-back, misinterpretation,
But, frankly, what did you expect?
The symbols with which you display your ideals
May change some opinions for sure;
If I spit on a puppy and say “Yay world peace!”
You might doubt my intentions are pure.
Likewise if you stand for freedom and justice
By kneeling in front of a flag,
By fleeing from songs about love for our nation
Some people will think you’re a drag.
If instead when the anthem is sung by our siblings
And you stand to honor our banner
Those who disparage your reason for protest
No longer disparage its manner.
And after you’ve captured the ear of your rivals
You show them the point you want made
You swapped some derision for some indecision
And that is a valuable trade.
To those who were hateful and know are uncertain
You do not decry them as bad
But make your point clear and then disappear.
Don’t be an unskippable ad!
Don’t show what’s troublesome, worrying, scary
By showing disdain for what’s good.
Instead show you’re with us, then raise our awareness
And maybe we’ll do as we should.
And if we keep not being how you would wish us,
Disrespect you, or call you a name,
Consider the best way to make the world better
Is simply to not do the same.
I don’t ask this often, but if you agree with my perspective, please share this poem.
Share it with those who think as you do, because they’ll likely enjoy it too.
Share it with those with whom you disagree, for that is the path to the change we must see.
Share it with those who will argue and fight. You may not kill darkness, but you can shine a light.
Share it with those with whom you would be one, for we share the same air, the same earth, the same sun.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
But Hockey? There’s A Great Sport!
Soccer’s like “The Notebook:”
I’ve never watched for more than a minute,
I consider it nap-time
And don’t like anyone in it.
Soccer and I
Are also much alike
In that no one ever scores
And the entertainment it creates has unsatisfying conclusions.
Filed under Poems
If Only His Parents Named Him Neil…
Greg is 17-foot-3,
Runs faster than the eye can see,
And more impressive than Greg’s size is
How Greg’s won four Nobel Prizes.
Greg is just 18 years old.
All Greg touches turns to gold.
Greg’s backstory’s very tragical
Which makes Greg seem even more magical.
Greg declared the other day
Greg wants to play in the NBA.
The coaches laughed ’til they soiled their pants…
Greg once said, “Cops are fine,” so Greg never stood a chance.
Filed under Poems
SERIOUSLY?! DOST THOU KIDDETH THY LORD?!
Somewhere in Heaven
The Gods all look down
At the biggest of cities
And the tiniest town,
They watch people playin’
And workin’ and sleepin’
(It’s okay that they watch us
‘Cause Gods can’t be creepin’).
They shout for our victories,
Sob for our failings,
But one thing holds constant
For all of their wailings:
All Gods will swear
On all that is pious
That those damned referees
Are all fuckin’ biased.
Filed under Poems
How To Choose A Favorite Sports Team
If their best player’s white
You’re not doing it right.
Filed under Poems
Sorry Europe, South America, And Basically Everywhere Else, But You Have Terrible Taste
There’s an argument in the USA
About soccer teams and equal pay
‘Cause men got paid more overall
Despite the women winning all the way.
The other side of this tirade
Says the male players are underpaid
Because the revenue their team produced
Was 55 times more than the women’s team made.
Now how revenue or standings weigh
On the importance scale I can’t say.
The real question is, in 2019,
Why won’t this stupid sport just go away?
