The people writing the baseball rulebook
Really wrote down things like:
“When you throw a ball and it isn’t a ball
But it doesn’t get hit it’s a strike.”
But the people who wrote the tennis book
Just smiled, or so says the lore,
When they revealed their brand new way
To calculate the score.
Filed under Poems
Every minute of every day
72 hours of film is uploaded and sent
Onto Youtube, and yet still people say
“Why’s there no good new content?”
Filed under Poems
Upon one hazy evening
Beneath the colored leaves
A poet kneels softly
And in the silence grieves.
Upon seeing this visage
A bright young student stands,
Walks towards the poet’s place
And with a screech demands
“Did you really write a poem
“That describes the leaves as ‘colored?’
“I find that language offensive
“And conclude you are a dullard!”
The poet still kneels softly
Beneath the not-green leaves,
And now you understand human stupidity
Which is why the poet grieves.
Filed under Poems
A while ago, a farmer
Would be thought a cause of harm
If he didn’t use asbestos
To fireproof his farm.
A while ago a woman
Who was pregnant and upset
Was told her pain would go away
With a tasty cigarette.
A while ago a baby
Was calm as calm could be,
Unbothered by those nasty flies
Thanks to some DDT.
They told them “Trust the science”
And “You’re selfish to abstain.”
So here we watch as history
Repeats itself again.
Filed under Poems
I met a lady buying gas
Who said her name was Penny.
There were ladies prettier,
But surely not too many.
As she was about to finish
Putting gas into her car
I saw her pull a lighter out
To ignite a cigar.
I rushed over and tackled her
Before the fire could start.
I explained why such a plan
Was neither safe nor smart.
I wish I could say that she
Would one day be my wife
Because I had wits quick enough
To save my Penny’s life…
But alas, the very next day
I wasn’t there, and she burned.
At least her cremation was free;
A Penny saved, a Penny urned.
Filed under Poems
I was feeling very upset
Because I was a spammer
And all my emails were ignored
Because my targets had bad grammar.
My mother tried to comfort me…
She sat me in a chair
And patted my back and told me
“Itll bee all right. Their they’re.”
Filed under Poems
Conforming is courage.
Sameness is unique.
Silence is violence
So we all must speak,
But if you speak other
Than what we agree
The only conclusion
Is patriarchy!
Everyone’s special
Except for the whites
And all men, plus women
Who want to have rights.
Such people are dangers
To our peaceful views
Unless they are silenced
By endless bad news.
“The truth” is old-fashioned.
“Your truth” will prevail.
If there are no winners
Then no one can fail!
So dye your hair purple
And get your tattoos
And be one of us rebels
Who share the same views.
Filed under Poems
I’m sitting here in the airport
Listening to celebrities giving PSA’s
And I’m wondering which is more painful:
Selling out that much
Or that my taxes paid for them.
Filed under Poems
Today a man who made himself
And all his staff exempt
From being vaccinated
Most audaciously has dreamt
That those who didn’t get a shot
That doesn’t stop the spread
Are somehow the ones responsible
That twelve more folks are dead.
Filed under Poems
There once was a man named Beyoncé
Who wanted to have a fiancee
But the girls were all like
“Why’s your name not like ‘Mike?’”
Now he goes by his middle name: Chauncey.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 