Category Archives: Poems

Subverting Expectations

Tonight events happened that occupied time

And now I must sleep and dream of a mime.

I probably won’t, but it goes to show

I don’t always rhyme “time” with “rhyme”, my bro.

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Perhaps The Most Extraordinarily Literal Poem Ever

Tonight, I lay in bed and rest

So tomorrow I can make a quest

Southward past the Emerald City

Where law enforcement’s really shitty.

I’m going there to see my girl,

Upon whom all my thoughts do swirl.

We’re working on my latest book

And soon you’ll get an early look!

So yeah, that’s all I have to say…

Just a life update and marketing play.

She is great and so are you

And now I need to sleep. Yahoo!

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In Other News, How Did 10:53 Become “Late”?

There once was a poet in bed

With ideas flush in his head,

But he stayed ip too late

And, as was his fate,

He dashed down a limerick instead.

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True Stories from a Man’s Kitchen

Today I made some cheesecake

That I got from a mix.

I mixed a lime and whipping cream

With several cream cheese sticks,

But when I picked the mixer

To taste the final yum

I realized I forgot to add the mix

And yes, I’m really that dumb!

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Her Heroes?

My lady likes a hairy man

Who eats his food straight from a can,

Walks silently around the house

And saved her from a wild mouse.

Her dream guy sleeps both long and hard.

Around him she lets down her guard.

He can snuggle up at night

And make the whole world feel alright.

She likes the feeling of his tongue,

Not worried he’s no longer young.

The only worry I have is that

Is this guy me, or is it her cat?

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See Also: Guillotine, Quinoa, Otorhinolaryngologist

Worcestershire and Draught

Were about to get married,

In love for the rest of their life

But the priest looked upset,

And said “I am sorry

“But I can’t pronounce you, husband and wife.”

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For A Very Tolerant Mother On This Auspicious Day

My mommy was a mother

Since before I was a brother

To my sister, and she kissed her

And tucked her into bed.

Then my mommy had another

(That was me), and then no other;

She was done, and though now I’m fun

Back then we cried ‘til fed.

And feed us well my mother did,

Both me and that darn other kid,

And I’ve attested she never rested

‘Til we kids were satisfied.

Then we got bigger and less cute;

One could walk and one could scoot,

After baby-proofing and pillow floofing

She probably wanted to hide.

Alas, we found her hiding places

And made her wipe our snotty faces.

She loved us still, despite the thrill

Having long since departed.

And then we started going to school,

Which meant less time mopping our drool.

With phlegmless floors she still did chores

As we laughed and said “I farted.”

And even when my sister was bad

(I never was, just ask our dad)

With grace and calm she’d slap her palm

Anywhere but on our faces.

When we got big and pubescent

She gave us the finest present

Like love and stuff, always enough

Yet gave us private spaces.

And oh the years of meals she cooked,

Though overworked and overlooked!

Oh the the years and sweat and tears

Endured by her for us! She

Will be remembered evermore,

For all of this, but even more:

She inspired my art. She’s old, but not a fart.

I end this poem thusly.

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Get It? Like Fairy… Where Are You Going?

I know a guy who never buys anything

Unless he can find it on sale.

I know another who loves unicorns;

They’re both into fair retails.

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My Girl Called This “So Sweet” … Should I Be Worried?

I love you
With all my heart,
Like hobos love
A shopping cart,
Like children laugh
When people fart,
When we are near
Or far apart.

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But They Still Need Taxes?

“What comes up must come down”

My teacher told me with a frown,

But here’s a thing that I don’t get:

Why isn’t that true for government debt?

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