There are only two types of men
That I have ever met:
The type who name their genitals
And the type who aren’t born yet.
Category Archives: Poems
How To Win The Internet
My most popular poem has 58 likes.
Second place has just 24.
It’s caused me to think, and even consider
Just writing to please the bots more.
After all, if what gets me exposure
Is whatever the A.I. likes best
Is that not the way to become popular
And say to the world, “I’m the best?”
And that, my dear readers, is madness!
It’s crap of the highest degree,
A symptom of how the internet age
Can inspire such insanity.
Art doesn’t need to be popular;
Life doesn’t need to be flawless;
When the rules of the game are to lie, cheat, and steal
Then the answer is just to be lawless.
I’m not going to think about numbers.
I’m not going to worry about views.
I’m going to write about what makes me happy
Instead of what’s big in the news.
And if you are willing to venture
To a world where you’re thought of as “lame”
I think you’ll find what happiness comes
When you too quit the internet game.
Filed under Poems
I Mean… It’s OK I Guess
I found an amazing solution
To everything that’s ever been bad,
A panacea that renders meaningless
Every problem that I’ve ever had.
This solution is what we call “apathy,”
And it means that you don’t give a shit.
It’s an amazing, awesome, and wonderful thing
Even though I haven’t mastered it.
Filed under Poems
#BlackMarketsMatter
Yesterday, my neighbors
Put on a firework display
Although it was illegal,
But everyone was like, “Okay.”
And so some normal people
Broke the law, and yet someone
Still thinks that no criminals
Can buy an illegal gun…
Filed under Poems
Independence
Today we set off tiny bombs
And cook our meat outside
To celebrate the freedom
That we’re missing nationwide.
We sing about a starry flag
And amber waves of grain
While people we dislike like tell us
To proudly wear a chain.
The news stops all-day coverage
Of outrage today to share:
“Our founding fathers owned some slaves
And why we ought to care.“
We are still the people
Who are governed with consent;
It is what the founding fathers wrote
And it is what they meant.
So as I celebrate the flag
And eat my apple pie
I’m thankful I still own myself;
I will live free or die.
Filed under Poems
Encourage Someone To Be A Wasp Or A Jellyfish… It Just Makes Sense
“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee”
Is just a longer way to say
“Be like a bee.” Butterflies suck.
Also, bees die when they sting, so ok…
Filed under Poems
The Same Logic Applies To “Housewife,” “Life Partner,” and “Money”
I am a homeless student
Who’s unemployed so, knock on wood,
I won’t have any homework
So I guess my life is good.
Filed under Poems
My Evening Routine
Sometimes I wonder what bumps in the night,
If a leaf feels joy as the wind gives it flight,
How a man feels alone in the heart of a crowd,
If a teacher dreads saying the words “Sperm Whale” aloud.
Sometimes I wonder why I wonder why,
And if I’ll stop wondering after I die.
I smile as these musings run wild through my head,
Then I crank out a poem and go off to bed.
Filed under Poems
When Pride Month Ends
Rainbows, rainbows, go away
Let the sky be blue!
If we want something colorful
Then fireworks will do!
And while we are at home, watching
The rainbows go away
We can watch football again
Without it being gay.
I can’t wait until the day
When rainbows dissipate
And I am blamed for being white
Instead of being straight.
Rainbows, rainbows, go away
As June turns to July…
But leave behind lesbian porn
And George Takei’s “Oh My.”
Filed under Poems
Confessions of a Former Spelling Bee Champion
There once was a guy named Kibau
Who lived on a farm with a plough.
He once swore a vow
Never once to say “Ciao”
And you get the point: Spelling is stupid.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 