When a guy goes to prison
He calls up his wife
And says, “Though I’m in here
“For 15 to life
“I want you to hold off
“From having sex with other guys.”
His wife says “You too,”
Because she’s just that wise.
Category Archives: Poems
There’s One Thing That Matters, And It’s Not Skin
I talk about love
And I talk about life,
How I do honest work
For my kids and my wife,
How I got a step up
From my forefather’s grace,
But what keeps me alive
Is the sweat on my face.
I won’t take a dime
If it hasn’t been earned;
Can’t regret when I failed
Because that’s when I learned.
I can say what I say
With no need for defense
Because what I say
Is just plain common sense.
So if you think I hate
Someone ‘cause they’re not white,
Consider a moment
That you may not be right.
Perhaps I respect
Those who earned their own keep
With an excess of ethics
And an absence of sleep;
Maybe the reason
You’re not on my mind
Is because I’m a doer
And I like my own kind.
You want to be equal?
Well, I want that too.
While I’m out here working
I’ll watch what you do
And when you go home
Having done what you should
You won’t think about race:
You’ll be feeling too good!
Filed under Poems
Schools Now vs. Schools After the Corporate Overlords Quit Hiding
Mom and Dad, guess what! Guess what
I learned today in school!
I learned it doesn’t matter
If you’re smart or fast or cool.
The only thing that matters
Is that you have self-esteem,
And that means that you like yourself
No matter how lame you seem.
Child, child, guess what! Guess what
You’ll learn when you get older?
You can love yourself to death
But still get a cold shoulder
Because what people care about
Is not how you project
But whether or not you’re somebody
Who’s worthy of respect.
Mom and Dad, how can I be
Someone who’s worth respecting
If I’m the sort of guy that I
Would always be rejecting?
Child, child, if you hate
The person that you are
You come to city motors
And you buy a better car!
Filed under Poems
Just FYI
Today I’m going adventuring
To a land without wifi or ceilings.
I’ll sleep in a tent
‘Til my body is bent
Just to not think about business dealings.
The poems from now to this Thursday
Were written Sunday in a blur,
So if you’re not pleased
With poems like these
You have my permission to grrr.
Filed under Poems
Yeah… The Swooshing Noises Would Get Old Pretty Fast… WAIT! Noise Cancelling Laser Armor!
The Jedi Order’s been around
For many thousands of years
And made a lot of laser swords
They didn’t give their peers.
These laser swords cut anything
Except each other, it seems,
And they block laser guns and stuff
And red ones oft cause screams.
My question for the Jedi,
Who claim to be guardians of peace,
Is why they never thought to make
An armor made of these?
A suit of laser armor
That blocks all forms of harm
Would prevent a lot of Jedi who
So often lose an arm,
As well as making everyone
Invulnerable to violence.
The only downside I can see
Is that the world would no longer have silence…
Filed under Poems
No Problem Officer… I Handled It
There once was a spider in my room
That met a most violent doom.
Other spiders said “Yahoo!
“Let’s all go there too!”
And that’s why my shotgun went boom.
Filed under Poems
How I Choose To Put Stuff In My Body
You know those ads that run late at night
Where the guy tells you how to solve life
By eating one teaspoon of Stuff every day.
After all, it’s how he found his wife
Even though he was homeless and 300 pounds
And rodents were all he digested
Until he discovered a miracle cure
That one night he just manifested.
It’s a powder with maca, ginseng, beluga,
Alabaster, carnuba, and chives
And though the FDA says it’s not tested at all
It will change many millions of lives!
Well the guy selling Stuff that the FDA doubts
Saying it will make everything great
Has the same credentials as the Covid vaccine
Which is why I personally hesitate.
Filed under Poems
The Worrier’s Day Off
I’ve just been so busy!
I need to relax,
So I’ll sleep in a bit
And eat a few snacks,
Go for a walk
Or do something constructive,
Then blame myself for
Not being productive.
Filed under Poems
It’s Not About Race; It’s About Culture
Deep in the woods by a little green lake
Lived a man who had never been sad.
His life was just joy from the start to today,
Never once punctuated by bad.
He called the birds and the frogs company
And sang to the wood he would stack…
But all of that changed when he saw CNN
And learned what it meant to be black:
He learned that despite being happy and free
His life was defined by oppression
And how being equal to everyone else
Was the only worthwhile obsession.
He was overwhelmed, shocked even, until
He heard an inspiring call:
He realized he hadn’t voted for Biden
And thus wasn’t black after all!
Filed under Poems
“Write A Poem With Silver And Orange… You Can’t”
All that is gold does not glitter;
All that is green does not grow;
But all that is orange and all that is silver
Will not have an easy rhyme though.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 